The other stories
by Raberba girl
Summary: It wasn't always fun growing up. Rated for implied violence, I guess.
1. Scars

Stepsiblings (the other stories)

A Kingdom Hearts fanfic series by Raberba girl

Summary: [Not the best. Rated for violence, I guess.] Dumping ground for the darker _Stepsiblings_ stories that I didn't want to be as closely associated with the main series. Rated for violence, I guess.

Introduction: My _Stepsiblings_ series is based on an alternate universe where Saïx & Xion are siblings whose father got re-married, this time to the mother of Axel & Roxas. So the four of them are now all stepsiblings.

The main series is essentially cute AkuSaiRokuShi fluff, but there were also some disturbing developments... For example, when I decided to let Sai & Xi's father be a very skewed version of Xemnas, it kind of naturally followed that I would include my cargo ship, Xemnas/KingdomHearts. *sweatdrop* And the way I personified Kingdom Hearts, she ended up being mentally ill, which led to some unpleasant incidents in Saïx's childhood. Not to mention Sai's other relatives, which include Xehanort, Xigbar, and Vanitas; even this weird OOC version of Xemnas is not fun, either.

Then I also had Axel... Lea (his mom) wasn't a great character to begin with, but there was a vague implication in _Another Side_ (Axel's version of the "pilot episode") that gave me the idea she might be an abusive mother. She's not systematic or cold-blooded about it, it's just that she's not good at controlling her temper, and Axel kind of provokes her a lot. So that ended up extremely unpleasant as well, especially when I was trying to figure out how to account for Axel's tattoos and Saïx's facial scars in this universe. *sigh*

Anyway, so this and some other stuff led me to decide that there was too much dark material, I didn't want it too close to the main series and messing up my OT4 fluff. So I'm going to be lumping the darker stories all together so they'll be easy to identify and avoid.

**Scars** (ROUGH DRAFT)

Summary: Saïx and Axel didn't exactly have ideal mothers.

A/N: **Warning for two definite instances of child abuse and several more debatable ones, and for swearing in one scene.** I have a rule that I never let characters cuss onscreen except, ironically, in religious contexts, but I felt like I had to make an exception this time.

**Part 1**

He was playing cars. Mommy was watching him somewhere, but he didn't think about it. Then he heard her footsteps but before he could turn around she pushed him back on the floor and held him down with her hands on his face.

_'Oh no,'_ he thought. This again.

She held him for a long time, staring and staring and staring, touching his face with her hand. He didn't like it. It didn't hurt, but he knew it would if he tried to get away, so he stayed still. He wished she would stop. He wanted to tell her to stop, but sometimes when he talked to her when she was staring, it hurt, so he was afraid to say anything, either.

"Children have such perfect skin," she whispered, touching. He couldn't move. "You are perfect."

He knew he wasn't.

"My baby," she whispered again, "you could be so perfect, if not for those eyes..."

He shut them quickly, before she could push her fingers in them.

She stopped touching. It was quiet, and quiet, and quiet. He couldn't stay still, couldn't stop shaking, but he tried.

"_Look at me_," she said, loud and sharp like she was hitting him, so he opened his eyes again but he knew it was going to hurt so he could feel himself crying.

"Please, Mommy," he said.

She smiled. His chest stopped feeling so tight. She didn't hurt him when she smiled. "You're so frightened, aren't you, baby," she said, touching his face again, pushing his hair back. "That's good. When you're frightened, you can't hurt us."

She sighed and sat up. He got up to run, but she said "_Sit down_" in the hitting voice. He fell down again, and he wanted to run so bad but she would punish him if he did and he wanted to hide, to disappear so she couldn't find him.

"_Look at me_."

He looked at her and wished he could stop crying. She put her hand under his chin so he couldn't look down. "I love you," she said.

"I l-love you very much," he said.

She reached out her other hand and she was holding his face between her hands now and he couldn't get away. "I love the real Saïx," she said. Her hand moved to his chest. "The Saïx in here. The Saïx you're supposed to be." Her hands reached for his eyes. He shut them again and tried to put his hands over them to protect them.

"Yes," she said. "The other Saïx lives in you, he looks at me through your eyes and he wants to hurt me, but I won't let him, baby..."

He was shaking again, wishing he knew how to find the other Saïx. He would find the other Saïx and make him go away so Mommy wouldn't be scared anymore and wouldn't want to hurt him. He didn't know where to find the other Saïx, though. He didn't feel like two Saïxes, just like one.

Her hand touched his face below his hands covering his eyes. "I don't know what to do with you, baby," she said. "I don't know how to set you free. Maybe if I take you Home with me, he can't come with us and he'll be left behind, and I can keep the real you to myself forever...I promise I'll love you forever..."

**Part 2**

He was hungry. He put down the toys and went to the living room, where Mom was watching TV AGAIN. He wondered what would happen if Mom didn't have her TV. He wanted to take his baseball bat and smash it right through the TV just to see what she would do. Except he kind of knew what she would do, so he wouldn't try. Though he still wanted to smash the TV just to see her face and laugh... Argh, it was so hard to be good sometimes.

"Mom, I'm hungry." No answer. _'She's ignoring me. AS USUAL. ... Mom, don't ignore me.'_ "Mom," he yelled, grabbing her arm and yanking on it, "I'm HUNGRY! Be a real mom and cook me dinner!"

She yanked her arm out of his hand and hit him without looking, so her fingers kind of slapped across his face. It didn't really hurt. Well, it did. It was his chest that hurt, though, not his face. "Mommmmmm," he whined, moving back so she couldn't reach him when she tried to hit him again.

Finally she turned around. "Leave me alone," she yelled. "I'm busy."

"You're watching TV," he yelled back. "Real moms don't sit on their fat butts and watch TV all day!" Her face was getting ugly, but she wasn't getting up yet so even though he was scared he went on yelling, because even though he was scared he was kind of excited, too. _'Pay attention to me.'_ "Real moms cook dinner for their kids because they love them! You don't love me! You don't feed me! I'm gonna call CPS again and they're gonna take me away because you're a _bad mo_-!"

Crap crap crap she was getting up and he ran but she was bigger and faster and crap maybe if I run out of the apartment but the knob's too high and she's grabbing me and _ow_ my hand the knob hurt my hand no NO NO NO

She dragged him back, "NO!" he screamed, "I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it, don't-!"

_Smack._ It stung. He was mad at her because it hurt, but it didn't hurt _that_ much, and... _'Pay attention to me, Mom,'_ a voice in his mind whispered.

She was smacking him harder, and now it really did hurt. "Mom-" he tried to gasp, but he couldn't breathe, she was hurting him.

The tears were pushing hard at his eyes, and he suddenly thought that maybe if he cried, she might feel bad and stop. That had worked before. He stopped holding back. "M...Mom-my," he sobbed, and she stopped.

"Don't even start," she growled. "_Don't even start_, Axel Yunoki, I know exactly what you're doing."

Rage. "_That's not my name_!" he screamed at her, because it wasn't, it _wasn't_. Dads weren't real dads when they ran away and left your mom all alone. He didn't want any part of that person, not his face or his name or _anything_, because that person should go jump off a cliff and die. "My name is Axel Deucalion Hayes and don't you ever call me that again, _don't you ever call me that again_!"

Her fingers twisted tight in his hair, he couldn't move even though he wanted to jump up and punch her. "I'll call you what I want," she hissed. "You be a good son and I'll be a good mother. You be like your father, and I _call you after your father_."

He was so mad, so so so _so mad_, WHY was he crying, he didn't want to cry he was so mad he wanted to BURN SOMETHING. "I'M AXEL HAYES," he screamed. "Don't ever ever ever-!"

She grabbed his arms again and started to drag him off.

"No," he gasped, "no, no, no, I- Please, Mom, I-"

She swung him around and they stood there glaring at each other, breathing hard, his skin turning white where she was squeezing his arms. "_Be good_," she hissed.

He sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down like they'd taught him. _'One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...'_ He wasn't crying anymore but he could still feel the tears drying on his face, and he _hated_ how it felt, he wanted to scrub them away. "Mom, I'm hungry," he said tightly.

**Part 3**

The first time he saw Mommy after the accident, he covered his face. "I'm sorry, Mommy," he tried to tell her, hoping maybe if he was sorry she wouldn't be mad.

Her voice was soft and sweet. "Let me see, baby."

"N...No, please." His throat was too tight, it was hard to talk.

"They told me you hurt your face."

She knew. He trembled as she gently took his hands and pulled them away from his face. "I'm not perfect anymore," he whispered.

She stared at him for so long. She reached up, and he flinched, but all she did was stroke his cheek.

"I can't believe this happened," she murmured. Her fingertips touched the edge of one scar, traced up, back down, moved along the other scar. Over and over again. "How did this happen...?"

_'You did it. You did this to me. I tried to be perfect because you wanted me to be perfect, but now I can't be and it's your fault.'_ "We didn't go Home like you wanted," he said miserably. He should be sad about that, but he wasn't. He was glad. He could never tell her that, though. "The...the other...Saïx...is still...here."

Her fingers tightened on his face, just a little, and he shut his eyes.

"He won't let us go so easily," she said flatly. "Well...I'll just have to think of something else." She leaned down and kissed his face, where the scars crossed each other. He shivered. "It's his fault you're ruined, baby, but don't worry. I'll think of something."

**Part 4**

She never hit him in front of Ven anymore, not after the time she'd smacked him in the kitchen for something dumb, it hadn't even hurt, but suddenly Ven was like, "Lea, that was uncalled for!" in this shocked voice, and they'd both turned and found him watching in the doorway. She'd gone all simpering and gooey like she usually did around Ven and then let Axel have it later, after Ven had left for work.

"It's not _my_ fault he decided to walk in right then!" he yelled.

"If you'd just stop driving me _crazy_!" she'd yelled back.

It was...weird. Ven had sat him down later and had this serious dumb talk, and Axel was like, "Yeah, okay, mm-hm, sure, fine" until Ven finally gave up and left him alone. Well...maybe he was right? Maybe. Still, it was just weird. Axel was used to it.

It wasn't like it even hurt. Most of the time. Most of the time she wasn't serious. He had to be _really_ bad, and push those exact buttons he knew how to press, and she had to be _really_ mad...

It was one of the times he'd gotten suspended for bringing a lighter to school. Somehow it went from that to her being pregnant.

"When are you going to grow up? You're gonna be a big brother, Axel! You gonna role model that kind of thing for Roxas and get him thrown in jail just like you're gonna be someday?"

"Just 'cuz I'm a pyro doesn't mean I'm gonna end up in _jail_, Mom! Geez!"

"Stop _saying_ that! Only stupid idiot kids would brag about getting kicked out of school 24/7 in freaking _fifth grade_, and always stealing those stupid lighters and getting _me_ in trouble and-"

"I don't _steal_ them, people just _give_ them to me."

"And I suppose you're just going to _give_ Roxas lighters and blow all of us up one day because you're too stupid and immature to-"

"Roxas, Roxas, Roxas! Shut up about Roxas already!"

"Don't you tell me to shut up!"

"Because you go ON AND ON AND ON about him! Who CARES about him? What's so SPECIAL about him? He's not even freaking BORN yet, he's an IT, and maybe he'll never be a he because you're gonna screw up and he'll get born too early all bloody and dead just like you killed all the other-"

Her face had gone blank with rage but he was too furious himself to notice and she seized him by the hair and slammed his face into the table as hard as she could. She'd yanked back and smashed his head down again but not as hard this time, and then she just stood there and finally his brain stopped fitzing and he put his hand up to his face. It hurt. Not at first, but now it hurt so much. He took his hand away and was shocked to see all the blood smeared on it, and she let go of his hair.

The table was a mess like it always was. He saw now what had gashed him, its sharp point shining crimson with his blood, and now it stung like fire under his eye and he could feel the blood starting to trickle down his neck.

"I'm calling 9-1-1," she said in this flat, dead voice. She picked up the phone and then put it down again and knelt down in front of him and took the hand he wasn't holding on his face and whispered, "Axel, please, please don't tell them I did this, they'll take Roxas away from me and please, just like you lied to that officer please lie for me this time, don't tell them the truth because please, please, I can't lose Ven's baby..."

**Part 5**

"I'm going to take you Home with me, and I'll love you forever..."

He froze, and a chill seemed to creep through his spine. He moved back down the hall and peeked into the open door where he had heard Mother's voice.

She had Xion on the bed and was holding her down like she had used to hold him, hands on either side of the baby's face, pinning her with her arms, crooning at her, "My beautiful little girl, my sweet, perfect child..."

Xion didn't like it, either. She tried to kick, and she was complaining in her strange baby-talk.

_'Don't,'_ he thought. _'It just makes it worse when you try to get away.'_

"Sssshh, shh shh shh shhhh, it's all right, darling, I'll hold you close and protect you forever...I won't let Them get to you, I won't..." Fingertips stroking along a soft, unblemished cheek. "So...so perfect..."

_'Xion really is perfect,'_ he thought. _'She can't frighten Mother. She's more perfect than I could ever be.'_

Xion shrieked something.

"Sssshhh," Mother hissed. She was getting angry.

He felt sick. _'Why don't you stay still? Stay _still_. Smile for her.'_

"No!" the baby screeched.

"My darling," Mother said. Still calm. But not for long. "Hush, now. I'm not like Them. I love you. You are...perfect...you will never be like Them..." Fingers reaching for angry blue eyes.

He didn't even realize what he was doing until he had rushed in and started to speak. "Mother, please."

She whirled. "What do you want," she said in her hard voice.

He froze.

Then her face softened, and she knelt down and smiled, holding out her arms. "I'm sorry, my dear. Did I frighten you?"

What should he say?

"Of course I did," she laughed. "I can see it in your eyes. Come here, darling."

He stepped into her arms. She held him and sang to him for a moment. He couldn't stop staring over her shoulder at Xion, who was staring back curiously. If Mother was holding him, she couldn't touch Xion.

Mother pulled back and smiled at him, cupping his face in her hands. He didn't move. He forced himself not to look at Xion anymore, either. _'Eyes on me,'_ he thought. _'Just me.'_

"Forgive me, darling, but it's such a _relief_ to be able to frighten you back," she said affectionately. "Would you like me to play with you?"

"Father's calling," he whispered. The lie felt like chalk dust in his mouth. But Xion was watching. "He wants you right away."

Mother frowned. Her fingers tightened on his face and he flinched, but it was only because she was distracted. "Now..."

"He told me to take Xion to the kitchen," he managed. "I'll...feed her." So many lies. For Xion. Because she was smaller than him, and she didn't know the rules yet. He was her brother now, and he had to help her.

Mother looked at him hard. He forced himself to look back. "Are you lying to me?" she said, and it was as if her voice was piercing him.

"Mother, I love you so much," he said without thinking.

Finally, she pressed her lips to his skin, where the scars crossed. _"I can destroy you,"_ her kiss said. _"I nearly did once before."_ Then she got up and went away.

He went to the bed and tried to pick up Xion, but she was so heavy and his limbs felt like water. He sank to the ground with her in his arms, feeling like he had no strength left. "What's wrong with me?" he whispered.

Xion patted his face, and he closed his eyes to protect them. Then he felt her wet mouth press against his jaw. _"I love you,"_ her kiss said. _"I always will."_

**Part 6**

_Crash._

"Why did you do that?" Mom screamed from the kitchen.

"Didn't do it!" Roxas screamed back.

Axel ripped the headphones off and vaulted off the couch. He skidded to a stop in the kitchen doorway and caught himself on the doorpost, taking in the sight of Roxas sitting on the counter kicking his heels against the drawers, and Mom's cake splattered all over the floor.

"That cake was for your father!"

"For me!"

Mom raised her hand.

"Hey, bitch!" Axel shouted.

Mom's head snapped to him.

"Alexa," Roxas said happily.

Axel backed away into the living room again as she stormed at him, _'Don't run don't run don't run,'_ he told himself, and closed his eyes and turned his head slightly in anticipation of the blow. It didn't come, and he realized she was staring at the scar beneath his eye again. That thing really did come in handy.

"What did you call me?" she hissed instead.

"I called you a bitch," he said readily. "Come on, hit me. Hit me like you were going to hit Roxas. Hit me like you were going to hit that two-year-old kid."

She seized his collar hard. _'Don't run.'_ He looked her straight in the eye.

Then she backed off. "Don't guilt-trip me. Don't you _dare_ look at me like that and try to guilt-trip me."

"Next time you even _think_ of raising your hand like that to Roxas, I'M going to be the one hitting YOU."

She gripped his chin and stared at him hard. He stared right back. Hands out, open. _'Try me.'_

Then she shoved him away from her. "Clean up the kitchen," she hissed. She stormed to her room and slammed the door shut.

Axel went into the kitchen and walked right through the wrecked cake and picked up Roxas and held him tight.

"Made Mommy mad," Roxas told him, a little sheepishly.

Axel tried to answer but he couldn't get the words past the tightness in his throat, so he just held Roxas some more. After a long time, "I love you, kiddo," he finally managed to whisper.

"I want cake."

"Okay." He laughed, even though he felt more like wanting to cry. _'I will never, ever let anyone hurt you.'_ "Okay. Sure. Let's see if we can try this again..."

**Part 7**

"Hurry up!" Lea yelled up the stairs, "We're late!"

"Chill!" Axel yelled back, "We're always late for _everything_!"

"Including her own wedding," Saïx muttered. "I will never understand why I must now be related to you people..."

"Ah, shut up, you're too uptight. Seriously, that was weeks ago."

"Since which time, we've been late to two birthday parties, an awards ceremony, a piano recital, someone else's wedding, enough movies and sports events that I'm losing track-"

"Axel, I can't reach my buttons!" Xion shrieked.

"Give me a minute, I'm busy!" he exclaimed, carefully trying to finish up the vaguely X-shaped symbol he was painting on Roxas's cheek. "Roxas, hold _still_."

"But it tickles!"

"Axeeeellll!" Xion whined.

Saïx sighed, laying aside the gel bottle he had been using to try to make the stupid wig behave. "Come here, Xion."

"Saïx, fix my buttons!"

"That's what I'm _doing_, be patient."

The four of them were crowded in the main upstairs bathroom, trying to finish up their costumes.

"Saïx," Axel realized, "you're seriously not gonna wear your glasses to this thing, right?"

"Do you see a contacts case anywhere?" Saïx brushed Xion's hair away from her neck so that it wouldn't get tangled up in the buttons.

"Saïx! You're dressed like Sephiroth! You can't wear _glasses_!"

"I don't like contacts," he grumbled, leaning rather closer to his task than was necessary.

"Dude, don't give me that, you wore them for the wedding."

"That was _my father's wedding_," Saïx said in exasperation. "Certain sacrifices were in order."

"Saïx and Axel are fighting again," Xion told Roxas.

"Saïx and Axel are stupid," Roxas agreed. He hopped off the sink into Axel's lap ("Oof!"), and then onto the floor. "Race you!"

"Race you where?" Xion shrieked as she took off after him.

Saïx touched a hand to his forehead in a gesture of longsuffering.

"Aren't they hilarious?" Axel laughed. "Then he frowned. Stop distracting me! Glasses!"

"Axel, you're quite talented at distracting yourself," Saïx said dryly, starting to gather things back into the baskets and boxes they were supposed to be stored in.

Axel pointed a finger in his face. "You know, you wouldn't look _nearly_ as nerdy if you just sucked it up and switched to contacts all the time."

"Axel. In case you haven't noticed, my family has a genetic predisposition to a certain visual condition. It makes corrective lenses almost more trouble than they're worth. The glasses themselves are irritating enough, I can barely see through the distortion when I have to use contacts."

Axel paused. "Really?"

Saïx silently started stacking the supplies back in the cabinet.

Axel shook his head. "See, this is why teachers are liars and reading is actually bad for you."

"..."

Axel frowned. "Saïx?"

"Yes," Saïx said hollowly, his back still turned as he went on tidying up. "I strained my vision from reading too much."

There was a distinctly ironic tone to that statement. Something was wrong. Axel finally got up and tried to get on Saïx's other side. It was more difficult than it should have been. "Saïx, stop that. Look at me."

"We're running late." Saïx started to turn for the door, but Axel grabbed his arm.

"Why do you need glasses, Sai?"

Saïx was quiet for a long time. Then he finally lifted his head, looked at Axel straight on, and said steadily, "My mother found my eyes disturbing."

Axel's mouth was suddenly dry. "Wh...What?"

"She didn't like my eyes. What more do you want to hear?"

Axel was staring at him. "Y'mean she...?" He suddenly gritted his teeth, his hand clenching around Saïx's arm. "Not enough that she had to cut up your face and try to smash you to death, oh no, not for her-"

"Stop."

Axel ground his teeth together again to keep from flinching. Whatever trouble Saïx might have with his eyes from his end, they were still fully functional for doomgazing purposes.

"Do not speak disrespectfully of my mother."

"I can say what I want about anyone who would do something like that to their own kid," Axel started to growl, but then broke off, astonished and a little uneasy. "Sai?"

Saïx had reached up, softly resting his fingertips against his brother's face. One thumb was pressed against the scar hidden in ink. "Do you feel like telling me why your own mother allowed you to get facial tattoos before you were sixteen years old?"

Axel swallowed. "Touché," he whispered, trying to smile. He hadn't even realized that Saïx had noticed that the tattoos weren't just for decoration. Then he couldn't think of what to say, and he thought that Saïx might move away or say something else, but he simply waited. "She never hurt Roxas. I made sure of that."

Golden eyes narrowed. "And you?"

"Heh. She can't even stand to look at me anymore when I make her mad. The scar was pretty good on its own, she hated it and let me get the tattoos to cover it up, but now it's even worse than before, for her." He smiled in satisfaction. "Besides, I don't even care anymore. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself."

"...You don't...have to worry about having take care of yourself, you know. Not anymore. At least, not all the ti-" Saïx's eyes widened. "Stop."

"Thanks, Saïx," Axel whispered, still hugging him. "I knew you'd have my back."

"Really, stop. Axel. _Axel_. Let go, we're going to be late - Axel! Let go!"

o.o.o

Author's Notes: If this story offended anyone, I apologize; and if you thought it was all ridiculous and melodramatic and OOC, I apologize for that, too. I write the ideas that occur to me, I don't always like how they turn out. :/

Okay. For the record. I think corporal punishment is fine, but it _has_ to be done right. You _should not_ administer it when you are angry, and there is a difference between legitimate discipline and abuse. What I wrote about in this story was NOT how I believe it should be done, okay? Okay.

I _love_ Yunoki (from _La Corda d'Oro_). It's just that it was a little tricky, trying to find someone I liked to be Axel's dad, whom I also didn't mind being a complete jerk. The reason I love Yunoki so much is _because_ he's a complete and total jerk. ^^; At first I thought that his looks were a problem, but now I'm starting to think that his eye color at least might work to my advantage.

Ummm...I think that Sephiroth might actually be a character in this universe, in which case it wouldn't make much sense for Saïx to be cosplaying as him. *sweatdrop*

I had to rewrite Part 7 twice before I finally figured out, on my third try, the best way to present the information. I'll see if I can finish and fix up the two failed attempts as separate drabbles (one of them is much more light-hearted than this story, and the other deals with different, less uncomfortable subject matter).


	2. Marked Flesh: Axel and Saix

_**Stepsiblings**_**, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic series by Raberba girl**

**Marked Flesh (rough draft)**

Summary: Van & Saïx were rather young to be taking a trip to the tattoo parlor... Direct sequel to _The Scent of Vanilla_.

A/N: Flashbacks in young Saïx's POV, the rest of it in teenage Axel's. Dang it, even little Roxas & Xion weren't able to haul this one into standard cuteness levels...THANKS A LOT, Van. X(

o.o.o

_I don't like it here it's dark and the pictures on the walls are scary hold tight to Mother but Mother's dragging me farther in Uncle Xigbar's laughing stop laughing stop laughing stop laughing it isn't funny Van I HATE YOU this is all your fault..._

o.o.o

After a while, I look up and realize there's a figure coming toward us who isn't my stepfather. Behind him in the road, there's a couple of black cars pulled up next to ours, and Xigbar's leaning against one of them, talking to Xem.

"Vani!" Xion cries. Sometimes I really can't tell whether she's actually glad to see him or not, she's so good at sounding uber-excited.

"C'mere," he says, holding out his arms.

She hesitates for just a second, squeezing my hand a little, but before I can tighten my grip, she breaks free and runs to Van and lets him wrap her in his arms. He's got a bouquet in one hand. It should be really weird to see Van Acerbi carrying flowers, but for some reason, it isn't.

"Did you come to see Mommy?" she asks.

"Heck no, I came to see _my_ mom!"

"Can I come, too?"

"Just you," he says, and looks at the rest of us for the first time with a glare.

I can't help shivering. I hate this guy too much, I will never be able to unlock his doomgaze. He always makes me appreciate Saïx about fifty times more than usual - unlike his cousin, Van has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and he's _not fun at all_. The only reason I haven't gotten into more fights with him is because Xion acts like she likes him so much (and for all I know, she does. She's one of the very few people _he_ likes, that's for sure). Roxas has moved behind me and is keeping a wary eye on Van as he grips my jacket in both hands. I set a hand on his hair in a vague soothing gesture.

"As if I'd ever leave Xion alone with you for an instant," Saïx says shortly. Way to go, man. It bugs me that Van can get to him sometimes - that's supposed to be my job, - but at least Sai has way better chances of taking on Van than I do. I don't envy these crazies their doomgazes most of the time, but every once in a while, I can...see how they come in handy...

"I can do what I want with my own cousin," Van says defiantly.

"Um, actually, no," I tell him pointedly. He really creeps me out sometimes.

"Vani," Xion says, making puppy eyes at him, "pleeeeaaase, please please let Saïx and Axel and Roxas come, too?"

"Axel, I don't wanna go," Roxas hisses at me in a frantic whisper.

He's getting a little big to be picked up, but I pat his head. "It'll be okay, buddy."

"Xi," Van says in that playful tone he takes on when he's trying to wheedle his way out of being puppy-eyed, "I reeeaaallly don't like your stupid brothers bugging my mom."

"But Aunt Bianca likes them," she says persuasively.

"No, she doesn't."

"Yes, she does."

"How do _you_ know?"

"How do _you_?"

"Because _I_ don't like them."

"But you don't like _anyone_."

"I like _you_," he says. "I love you. I love you to death."

"I love you too, Vani. Please let everyone come, please?"

He stares at her for a while, and I swear he _likes_ getting turned into mush. Finally he mutters, "Whatever."

"Yay! I love you, Vani!"

He gets up, and as they're walking along with Xion swinging their clasped hands, he's looking over at us trying to doomgaze Roxas just for the fun of it. Before I can even say a word, Saïx moves between us and he and Van have this silent stare-battle over Xion's head as she chatters about how pretty all the cemetery flowers are. Sometimes I'm really glad she can be so oblivious. Sometimes I'm even gladder that Saïx is my brother. Stuff like this way more than makes up for the times when he can be a pain.

"Vani, Sai-Sai, stop fighting," Xion orders. Maybe not so oblivious.

"Tell him to quit terrorizing your younger brother, then," Saïx growls.

Xion looks over at Roxas, who's clinging to me and glaring at them both, then frowns at her cousin. "Vani."

"I was just playing."

"I told you, I don't _like_ it when you hurt people."

"I can't help iiiit..."

"You have to."

"Don't wanna."

She stops and tries to pull her hand out of his. "You have to try, or I won't like you anymore."

He grips her hand tighter. "Okay, fine, I'll stop!"

"Promise?"

"For you, Xi, anything."

"Be nice to everyone forever."

"You're trying to kill me, aren't you."

o.o.o

_The people here look scared of us the way everyone looks scared of us, but Uncle Xigbar and Van are using their eyes on them and they're too scared to kick us out. I wish they'd kick us out. The man grabs a clipboard and slams it on the counter and tells Uncle Xigbar and Mother to sign it._

_"Mother, please, don't sign it," I say, but she holds my face and tells me to be good so I'm more scared of her than I am of this place._

_She looks at the man and says, "He's allergic to silver."_

_"We usually do stainless steel."_

_"Saïx, don't be a wuss," Van says, and I can't say anything but I look at him and think, _'I hate you I hate you I hate you,'_ as hard as I can. All he does is laugh. I hate him._

o.o.o

We're standing in front of another tombstone now, and I guess it's the one we're here for, because it says _Bianca Borgnino Acerbi_. I hope this one wasn't a creep like Sai's mom, too. But I guess that's too much to ask from this family Mom was stupid enough to marry into. Is there a way to, like, cut Saïx and Xion loose and elope with them off somewhere where the rest of the yellow-eyed aliens can't bug us anymore?

Van hands half the flowers to Xion. "Tell her you miss her."

"I miss you, Aunt Bianca," Xion says happily, even though the end date on the headstone is almost a year before Xion was even born.

"Van," Saïx says in a low voice. "Let me have one. Please."

"Sai," I hiss. I _hate_ the thought of him bowing to his horrible cousin in any way.

Van grins in that evil way of his and says, "Ooooh, does Sai-Sai want a flower? Well, _unfortunately_ my mom would sooner spit at you than take anything from you, so SORRY, you're out of luck."

Saïx doesn't say anything, the moron.

"Sounds like someone really wants to get punched," I remark.

"Do it, Axel," I hear Roxas whisper.

Xion is glaring at all of us. "Vani."

Saïx draws in a deep breath. His face is completely blank and his tone is wooden when he says "Please," but his eyes are spilling _frustration hatred desperation humiliation anger shame pain_.

"Give him a freaking flower," I say, and the hand I'm not holding Roxas with is clenched into a fist. If Rox and Xi weren't here, I'd be saying stuff a bit stronger than 'freaking.'

"Don't have to," Van says gleefully, "unless Xion makes me. Which she won't, because she's nice."

Xion starts to open her mouth, but Saïx says again, "Please." _fury desperation frustration anger_

"Why should I?" Van sings.

"Because I loved your mother more than I did my own," Saïx says, still in that complete monotone.

None of us says anything for what feels like ages.

Van finally holds out a flower and says in this low, tight voice, "Mom hated you."

Saïx grasps the flower above where Van is clenching it tight in his fist and says quietly, "If you don't hand it to me, I'm going to rip the stem."

"And then I'll kill you," Van says conversationally.

Xion starts to cry, and Van suddenly shoves all the flowers he's holding at Saïx and flings himself to his knees to hug her. "Don't cry, don't cry, baby girl, I was just kidding, I love you, I love all your stupid brothers _so much_, so don't..."

She throws her arms around his neck and sobs, "Why do you have to be so mean?"

"I don't know," he says, and to my absolute shock, I realize that he's crying a little, too.

Ignoring them, Saïx moves closer to the tombstone and sets only one flower in the vase; then he stands there and gazes at his aunt's memorial for a while. I sit down and just hold Roxas, who's whispering in my ear, "Axel, I'd rather visit Dad," and I say, "Couldn't agree with you more."

Van finally gets hold of himself and marches over and rips the rest of the flowers out of Saïx's hand. Saïx backs off and puts his arms around Xion as they watch Van add his flowers to the rest.

"Hi, Mom," Van says. "Sorry I had to drag these idiots along, Xion insisted."

"Hi, Aunt Bianca," Xion says. "I wanted you to meet Axel and Roxas, but Vani's being kind of mean so maybe we should come back later."

I jump when Xigbar seems to materialize out of nowhere, stepping up behind the tombstone and resting his arms on the top of it. "Long time no see, hon. Don't mind the kids, they were just leaving." His voice is perfectly casual and he's not even really looking at us, but I guess that's our cue. I get back to my feet and take Roxas's hand again. Saïx protectively herds Xion to his far side as he comes to join us; Van glances after her a little longingly, but then looks at his father again and doesn't say a word.

o.o.o

_They're leading us to the back, _please_ Mother but she's pulling me and won't let me go. "Please, Mother, I don't want to do this."_

_"Hush, darling, you'll be fine."_

_"Which one first?" the man growls, and he sounds mad but I think he's scared._

_"Me!" Van yells. "Me first!" He runs and sits on the bench and pulls up his sleeve and says, "I want it right here."_

_I'm holding Mother too tight, she pulls on my arm and finally says, "Saïx, let go," and she sounds mad, so finally I let go and go to Uncle Xigbar instead._

_He's watching Van and smiling, there's something wrong with his eyes because he drank too much of that stuff that burns your tongue, but he lets me hold his coat and puts his arm around me. "Uncle Xigbar, please. I don't want to do this. Please don't make me."_

_"You'll be fine, Sai," he says, and he doesn't sound mad like Mother but he's not going to let me go, either. I HATE Van, this is all his stupid fault._

o.o.o

We pass Kay's grave again on the way back. Xem is kneeling beside it with his head bowed and one hand resting on the stone, that long hair of his untied now so that it covers his face. Saïx doesn't even glance in that direction, but Xion watches as we pass and says softly, "I _knew_ he missed her more than that."

"It's not a crime to cry in front of your kids, Xem," I mutter under my breath.

"The day I ever witness Father's tears is the day Van and I enjoy each other's company," Saïx says flatly.

I grin at him. "Also the same day when Xion stops being cute and I can actually tell Roxas no."

"Axel, you can't tell me no," Roxas says.

"Exactly."

"I'm cute, aren't I, Axel?" Xion says anxiously.

"Exactly."

"Saïx," Xion whines, "I don't get it," and Roxas says, "Don't be confusing."

"It's a joke just for elder brothers," Saïx says with a straight face.

"Ohhhh."

"Okay."

I love my siblings. Kinda wish most of the rest of my family would go jump off a cliff sometimes, but I love my brothers and sister to pieces.

We hang out by the cars for a while, Saïx leaning against one being emo while I keep tossing stuff like the crumpled bouquet wrappers out into the grass. The kids are fetching them and bringing them back to me exactly like puppies, it's _hilarious_. "Roxas, go long," I call, hurling the bouquet-ball particularly hard. He rushes after it, yelling that he's gonna get there before Xion, but they reach it at the same time and fight for it and end up wrestling. "They are cracking me _up_," I laugh. Saïx has absolutely no reaction. "YO, SAI, I'M TALKING TO YOU."

"I'm not in the mood," he mutters.

"You're never in the mood. C'mon, Sai, I'ma throw this stick, go fetch it!"

He glares at me, which would be a lot more intimidating if his expression wasn't so weirdly listless. _annoyance grief depression_

"Man, next time we visit your mom, we are _totally_ leaving the rest of your family behind, this is a drag."

o.o.o

_Van doesn't cry or yell or say anything, but his face is all tight and he can't look at the arm they're hurting. He's staring at the bench on the other side and suddenly I realize the bench is turning black where he's staring at it, no no no no it hurts it hurts it'll hurt so bad _please_ I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, Mother _please_..._

_Sometimes she gets nicer when I cry. I go back to her and let myself cry and say, "Mother, please."_

_She looks at me and smiles. "Don't worry, darling, you're only going to get pierced, it won't hurt as much."_

_They're going to hurt me...they're going to hurt me and she doesn't mind, she _wants_ them to..._

_I'm crying for real now and I hug her, and she hugs me back and makes hushing noises and strokes my hair, but she's not going to let me go. _'Help me be strong.'_ No one here is listening, maybe somebody else will._

o.o.o

When everyone gets back, I find out that apparently we've decided to have lunch together. Xem and Xigbar are driving themselves, but the rest of us can't agree on transportation.

"Come on, Xion," Van says, grabbing her hand and trying to walk off with her to his car.

She drags back uncertainly. "Wait."

"Xion is coming with us," Saïx snaps, striding over to try to get her away. Van's not letting go, though, and I wince. Xion looks miserable.

"She's coming with _me_," Van snarls.

"Vani..."

"You should know full well by now that I am never going to let my sister be anywhere alone with you."

"Butt out, freak!"

As if he's one to talk, ugh.

"How about _all_ of us rides with you, Vani?" Xion asks hopefully.

"No way! ... They won't even all fit in my car, Xi."

Xem's looking really impatient, and Xigbar's started whistling the "time's running out" ditty from a popular game show.

"Axel, steal Van's car," Roxas urges me in a whisper.

Saïx ends up going with Van and Xi to keep an eye on them, which I guess is for the best. I've only known them for a year or two, but the three of them grew up together - hopefully they can handle things without...I dunno. Getting killed. Which actually might be less of an exaggeration than it should be with this family of freaks, but Xem's already pulling out of the cemetery and it's too late to change my mind and leap out of the car. My siblings had better avoid imminent doom or I'll throttle them.

I sigh unhappily. Xem glances at me in the rearview mirror and doesn't say anything. Roxas leans his head against my arm like he's tired, because he knows by now that Xem won't let him lie down while he's driving. The silence stretches out.

o.o.o

_They're finished, Van's laughing and he shows Uncle Xigbar, Uncle Xigbar laughs too and says, "Heh, you're a regular gangster now, aren'tcha."_

_"Dad, you're the _best_," Van says happily, then he turns and looks straight at me with this horrible evil smile and says, "Your turn, wuss."_

_I want to run. I can't let go of Mother; they make me sit down and she kneels in front of me, smiling. I'm holding her hands tight, I can't let go. "Please, Mother," I whisper again._

_"It'll be all right, darling."_

o.o.o

"You should have sat in the passenger seat," Xem finally says.

"Didn't wanna leave my little bro all alone in the back."

"Axel, stay," Roxas mumbles into my sleeve. I pat his knee reassuringly.

"He is getting too old for you to keep coddling him the way you do."

Coddling? Sometimes these guys sound like they somehow wandered into real life out of my literature homework. "D'aww, are you lonely up there all by yourself, Xem?"

"Axel-"

"I can sing if it'll make you feel better. _When you walk away, you don't hear me say, 'Pleeeeeaaaase, oh baby-'_"

"STOP."

Xem can be fun sometimes. Not as fun as Saïx, but a little bit.

"_Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight_," Roxas continues softly. "_It's hard to let you go_..."

My little brother is only six, but he could win contests. Both my other siblings could, too, actually; I'm the only one who gets side-eyed in church during the hymns, heh.

"...It just looks odd, having you in the back when you're an adult and the passenger seat is open," Xem grumbles.

He's such a stickler for rules, even unofficial ones. It would be funny if I didn't have to live with it. "Oh, so _now_ I'm an adult?"

He glares, though without the doomgazing this time. "I only-"

"Does this mean you'll quit scaring off my dates, or holding my hand when we cross the street?"

"I _do not_ hold your han-"

"Wish I'd known all it took to be a grown-up was to sit next to you, maybe I'd've done it sooner..."

"_Axel_."

"Heh, you sound just like Saïx when you do that."

"Be quiet."

He's not insisting that I leave Roxas anymore, so I figure that I win. "By the way, we're gonna go visit Dad's grave later, hope you don't mind."

When we get to the restaurant, Sai and Van are having this big argument as they get out of the car. About dogs, apparently.

"That's because you're dumb!" Van yells. "A German Shepherd could _eat your little rat for lunch_!"

"Call my dog a rat again and I will _hit you_."

Xion looks relieved to see me. "Axel!" She runs to me and we throw our arms around each other. "My ears hurt."

"I can imagine."

o.o.o

_"It's not gonna hurt," the man says, and he looks mad but I know he's scared, but I'm _so much more scared_ than him, why won't he let me go? He picks up the-_

_NO NO NO NO NO, I'm crying so hard I can't see, it's going to hurt so much they're pinching my ear it's going to hurt so much in a minute, I don't want it close to me, no, _no_, I don't care that Van's laughing I can't stand this I can't stand this I'll die if they keep going-_

_"Done."_

_"Heh, awesome," Uncle Xigbar says, his eyes are saying, _"This is hilarious."

_"You're such a girl," Van says._

_Mother pulls one of her hands out of mine and pats my arm, she's smiling._

_"I can't," I try to say. I can't do this anymore, I'm going to die._

_The man presses his hand over my eyes and says, "Breathe, kid. Breathe deep."_

_I try, but I can't. I feel sick._

_"I don't like you touching my son," Mother says._

_"You don't like anyone touching your son," Uncle Xigbar snorts._

_"He's hyperventilating." The man still has his hand over my eyes and he says a bad word so I know I'm hurting him, but he puts my hand on his chest and says, "Breathe in deep," and he breathes in deep so I do, too._

o.o.o

Saïx and I are quick claiming seats, herding the kids between us. Van tries to start a fight about not getting to sit next to Xion until both his dad and his uncle doomgaze him into submission, so he sits directly across from her instead. This means I'm stuck with Xem on my other side, but whatever.

"Axel, I want chicken nuggets," Roxas says.

"Um...this isn't exactly McDonald's, but I'll see what I can do."

"You need to expand your tastes," Xem tells him; I _hate_ it when he does stuff like this. "I want you to try the ghormeh sabzi."

"Ew, no," Roxas says immediately, even though he has no more clue what 'ghormeh sabzi' is than I do.

"You are to give it a chance."

"Xem, he's not going to eat it," I try to explain as calmly as I can.

"He will if he's not allowed to eat anything else."

"Xem, he's _not going to eat it_." Roxas is stubborn, and would rather go hungry than eat whatever's trying to be shoved down his throat by someone he doesn't like. "Chicken's healthy, it's filling, he doesn't _need_ to eat weird stuff." And if Xem does the 'I am your father and can do whatever the heck I want to you worms' speech again, I swear I will DOOMGAZE BACK.

"Roxas," Saïx says tiredly, "just taste it, please, and if you don't like it, then you can have chicken afterwards."

Roxas considers this. I think it was the 'please,' since Saïx almost never says that, especially when talking to the kids. "What's it made of?"

Van says something that Xem doomgazes him for again.

"It is NOT, Vani," Xion says reproachfully. "He's lying, Roxas. It looks gross, but it tastes really good."

Roxas still wrinkles his nose in disgust.

Saïx finally stops emoing long enough to straighten up and go into Stealth Persuasion mode. "It seems that I shall be disappointed. I would have thought that you would be man enough by now to do something as trivial as _take a few bites_ of an unknown dish, but it looks as though you can't even manage that much."

Roxas seems to swell up like an angry cat. "I can eat dishes! Better than you!" He grabs the little appetizer plate in front of him.

"No, Rox," I say, trying not to laugh as I dig it out of his hand before he can chomp on it, "he means the stuff that Xion says looks gross but tastes good. A 'dish' as in a kind of food."

"Couldn't you have waited to tell him that?" Xigbar says wistfully, cheated of the chance to enjoy the sight of his nephew gnawing on a plate.

"I can eat gross stuff, too," Roxas says defiantly.

Just to make sure, I chip in with my own Stealth Persuasion. "I dunno, Rox, maybe this is something you can't handle yet, let's wait 'til you're older..."

He practically stands up on his chair and yells, "_I'm going to eat it_!"

"Yes, all right, thank you, sit down," Saïx says in exasperation. Xem's watching us all with this fed up look. Come to think of it, how did _I_ get worked around to encouraging Roxas to 'expand his tastes' rather than defending him?

...The ghormeh sabzi stuff does look gross, especially to a six-year-old. Roxas stares at it on his plate like it's rat poison. I cover his eyes and tell him to pretend it's a hamburger.

"Xion," Saïx says, "give me a synopsis of your pony show, the episode you were watching last night."

Everyone kind of stares at him, except Xion, whose face lights up. "Oh, that was when Applejack and Rarity had a slumber party at Twilight Sparkle's house because it's raining and they're all wet..."

"You watched _My Little Pony_ without me?" Van yells.

Yes. He is a Brony. Don't ask.

"But you've already seen that episode," Xion says.

Slowly, with my hand still over his eyes, Roxas sticks his spoon into the green stuff on his plate. I help him get the food to his mouth rather than all over his face.

"I've seen _all_ the episodes! _You've_ seen all the episodes! I want to watch them again, _with you_."

"Axel," Roxas whimpers.

"Hamburger, Rox. Hamburger."

"But it's _green_."

"You can't even see it. Pretend."

Saïx glances at him. "Who's Rarity again?"

Xem is staring at his son like he has gone insane. Xigbar looks like he wants a bag of popcorn so as to better enjoy the show.

"Rarity is the white one with purple curly hair."

"The dressmaker, _stupid_," Van adds.

Roxas has eaten a couple of bites, and now pitches in, "She talks in the fancy voice and doesn't like icky stuff."

"I see." _exasperation hope anxiety triumph worry_ He really is doing his best for Rox, even though I know how much he must hate this. Best big brother ever. Besides me, of course. "And Twil...ight...Sp- And the apple one, what does she do for a living?"

"Are you an idiot, _Apple_jack sells friggin' APPLES."

"She has farm."

"She's got a granny with no teeth." Roxas is eating pretty steadily now, nicely distracted by the ponies.

"You should watch with us so that you don't have to get all this info secondhand," I suggest.

Saïx makes an incoherent sound. Heh, there are some lines he still won't cross, even for his beloved adorable siblings.

"Ew, no, I don't wanna watch _My Little Pony_ with _Saïx_," Van complains.

"Sometimes I want to disown you for watching a show called _My Little Pony_ at all," Xigbar says conversationally.

"Why are we talking about ponies?" Xem mutters under his breath.

Roxas suddenly throws my hand off his eyes and stares at his progress. "I ate half of it. I GET CHICKEN NOW."

"Great job, Rox," I tell him, and Saïx _smiles_. I take out my phone and snap a picture.

"What was that for?" he says in annoyance.

"I wanted proof that the corners of your mouth are actually capable of turning up."

He glares.

"Caught him with those girly earrings too~" Van sing-songs, leaning over to look at my phone screen.

"They're not girly," Xion insists. "They're man-earrings."

"Why _do_ you wear earrings, anyway?" I wonder. "Seems kind of OOC for you..."

"I don't want to talk about it," Saïx mumbles, taking a big bite of food so he doesn't have to.

"I do not approve either," Xem says. Great, I just allied myself with the wrong guy. "I still do not understand why you insist on wearing them all these years after your mother's-"

"It's _my_ choice," Saïx growls, then nearly chokes on that big bite of food he hadn't finished chewing yet.

"Oh, _now_ it's your choice," Van says gleefully. I get a bad feeling. "Didn't seem that way back when you first got pierced."

o.o.o

_After a while I don't feel as sick. But when he takes his hands away he's going to pick up that horrible thing again and hurt me with it..._

_He's going away now with Uncle Xigbar. Van has a bandage on his arm where they hurt him, but he acts like he doesn't care about what they did. He comes over to say more mean things to me, but now that his father is gone Mother turns to him and hisses, "Go AWAY."_

_He grins at her, and his eyes are saying, _"We're gonna get you, we're gonna hurt you Aunt Kay because you can't stop us-"

_Mother picks up the needle and points it at his face, but he runs before she can touch him with it. I'm a little afraid she's going to turn it to me, but she just puts it down again and pets my face and says, "Don't cry, darling, they look beautiful on you."_

o.o.o

"Good times," Xigbar says nostalgically.

"Nonsense," Xem says sharply. "I still hold you accountable for that deplorable lapse in judgment, brother."

Xigbar laughs. "Man, I got _drunk_ with _Kay_. You're lucky Sai didn't come home with nipple rings and a Mohawk."

"Can we please not talk about this?" Saïx mumbles, as both the kids stare at him.

"You almost got a _Mohawk_?" Roxas says eagerly. "Cool!"

"Big brother, what's a Mohawk?"

Xem ignores them. "Frankly, I am astounded that you are not more concerned about the fact that your own son got his first tattoo at age ten, not to mention the fact that you've subsequently allowed him to further mutilate himself even before becoming a legal adult-"

"It's _art_," Van interrupts hotly, "and butt out, Xem! It's _my_ body and I can do whatever the freak I want to it!"

"You were _ten_," Xem storms at him.

"Dad _let me_."

"He was _drunk_."

"So?"

Saïx looks miserable. Xion looks anxious. Roxas looks like he's enjoying this almost as much as Xigbar is. "Axel, can I get a tattoo?"

"_No_," me and Xem thunder at the same time.

"But Saïx got a tattoo."

"I did _not_ get a tattoo," Saïx says firmly. "That was Van."

"You got earrings, though." Roxas reaches up to them, and Saïx pulls away, wincing even though Roxas hadn't even touched him.

"That was...not...my decision."

Oh, wonderful. More Fun Times With The Acerbis.

o.o.o

_"Please don't let them hurt me," I whisper._

_She stares at me for a minute. Then she suddenly smiles and touches my ears and says, "Oh, darling, they've already finished, didn't you know?"_

_What? I touch my ears, there's metal in them. They already hurt me. They already hurt me, except it doesn't really hurt. It doesn't feel good, but it didn't hurt the way I thought it would. But...my ears now...it's not just my face anymore, now they're ruined forever, too..._

_"They're beautiful," she says again. "I can't fix you, but at least it's a little better now, isn't it?"_

_Maybe if Mother likes them...if Mother is happy, maybe it's all right that I'm ruined..._

o.o.o

"Why didn't you want to get earrings?" Roxas keeps pestering. "They look cool!" He pauses. "Does it hurt getting earrings?"

"...No," Saïx says in a low voice.

Van bursts into laughter. "Oh, _really_? Then why'd you cry like a baby the whole time?"

Saïx glares at him, and suddenly they're having this doomgaze war that kind of hurts to be in range of. "As I _recall_, your composure wasn't particularly impressive either, seeing as you burned a hole in the bench while they were inking you."

"At least I wasn't going, 'Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,' like a total wuss."

"Saïx isn't a wuss," Roxas says hotly.

"Saïx, did it really hurt getting the earrings?" Xion whispers in horror.

"No, it didn't," he says shortly. The stuff in his eyes makes me cringe. I don't think he's lying, exactly, but whether it actually hurt or not, his Angstland's getting a lot worse as we talk about it. Xion hugs him. His effort to push her away is ridiculously weak.

"I bet you got a stupid girly tattoo," Roxas tells Van, nearly standing up in his chair again; I have to put my arm around him to hold him down. "I bet you got a heart or a ballerina."

"It was gonna be a skull," Van says loftily, "but the guy messed up, and then I had it changed later anyway." He rolls up his sleeve. Among the more recent designs is a small shape near his shoulder that looks like a purple and yellow seashell.

"Hey, that's Xion's shell," Roxas murmurs. I don't think Van will ever _stop_ creeping me out.

"Heh, your mom flipped out enough as it was," Xigbar muses, "she would've killed me if it had been a real skull..."

Without any warning, Van suddenly goes for his own father's throat, and Xigbar fends him off in this practiced, almost bored sort of way. Roxas and I are staring, and Xem looks a little pained, but Saïx and Xion keep talking as if it's perfectly normal for their relatives to be having a fight in the middle of a restaurant.

"So are you gonna start watching _My Little Pony_ with us, Sai-Sai?"

"_Never_. And don't call me that."

"But you let me call you that when Daddy and Vani and Uncle Xigbar aren't here."

"Maybe I shouldn't let you call me that at all."

"No, I'll be good, I love you, _Sigh-axe_."

"Axel," Roxas remarks, "Xion and Saïx's family is weird."

"Yep." I take another bite of lunch. "Xion and Saïx are worth putting up with them, though."

"Yup." His chicken hasn't arrived yet, so he steals some of my rice. "I'm gonna ask Mommy if she'll let me get a tattoo."

"Roxas, you're six. Not gonna happen."

"When I'm ten, then."

"Rox, when we get home, I'm gonna talk to you about something called 'really bad role modeling'..."

o.o.o

Author's Notes: It's amazing, the kinds of things I've been having to research lately... Btw, Van was the one who suggested going to get a tattoo in the first place.

Bianca is an OC I made up to be Xigbar's wife for another fic that will probably take ages to finish and post, if I ever even do get to post it. I can't write fast enough, so she's apparently making her debut in this series instead. -.- "Borgnino" is apparently derived from an Italian dialect word meaning "blind in one eye" or "squinting." XD This'll likely be Xigbar's surname in non-Stepsibs fics.

Hmmm...I was about to clarify the religions in this AU, but then decided against it. Just that they're mixed; and that as far as I know at this time, religion will only be mentioned in passing, it's not going to play a big role in this series.

Ghormeh sabzi is actually my sister's favorite Persian dish - I like it all right now, though it took me quite a long time to get over my little-kid "ew" reaction to all the veggies. XD Personally, I much prefer khoresh gheymeh, that one's my favorite. And I'm probably writing these wrong, each word seems to have, like, five alternate spellings. orz

I really should be posting the dark Christmas story ASAP, but I haven't finished writing it yet, this one's draft was completed first. *sigh* So much for keeping my timeline in order...


	3. Beyond His Reach: Van

_**Stepsiblings**_**, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic series by Raberba girl**

**Beyond His Reach (rough draft)**

Summary: There were sacrifices made so that Van could choose a different future.

A/N: Van's POV. He's ten years old. **AU because the timeline's off by, like, five years. *sweatdrop*** (Or maybe not, maybe I can wrestle it into cooperating...but I can't find my notes for this scene...argh; yay rough drafts. -.-) This is like Van's version of "Marked Flesh."

o.o.o

I can't get the words out of my head, they won't go away, it's like he's standing behind me saying them over and over and over gain...

_"I have decided: the honor will go to you, Van Kaz__é__. When you come of age, the current cycle will reach its conclusion, and our life will begin anew with all its glorious new opportunities."_

I'll kill him. I'm gonna kill him before he takes me. But...I know that's not why I'm standing here, looking down at the last thing I'm ever gonna see. I'm not here because I plan to kill him - he's too strong and too evil and I know I don't have a chance. All I can do is run...run to where he'll never be able to catch me...

You know, Aunt Kay, I wish you were right. I wish there was a Home. But there never will be, at least for me.

o.o.o.o.o

No no no no no no _no_, now it's Ven's face tormenting me, can't get him out of my head, I killed him I killed him I killed him I killed him; his _face_, looking at me when he fell, he'll never forgive me, he can't forgive me, and I'll never see him again and it's all my fault but no it's _his_ fault the stupid idiot I never asked him to get involved it was MY problem not his he didn't know what the freak he was talking about; he thought he was so smart because he's a grown-up and I'm a kid but he has no _clue_, no clue who I am and what I am and what's supposed to happen to me. He wouldn't believe me when I said I'd rather be dead. Now _he's_ the one who's dead and I'm still alive, and I'll kill the old man I'll kill him but I can't, I _can't_ let him find me either-

I'll find Sora. I know where he is. Well, I don't, but I can find him again. I'll get Sora and I'll make him take Sora instead, Sora's the one he really wanted anyway, I'll give him Sora and I'll run and he'll never find me or hurt me again and I'll...just...be alone with Ven, with his face in my head, looking so horrible as he dies, over and over and over again...just me and Ven, the Ven in my head who'll never forgive me...

"Just curious, are you gonna bother to come up with a creative excuse, or are you gonna be boring and whine at me?"

Dad's standing in the doorway, watching me trying to get the gun case open, probably knowing his wallet's in my pocket.

"Don't try to stop me or I'll kill you," I tell him.

"So you're going for the whining, huh. Bit disappointed in you, son."

"I MEAN it!"

"What'd you do this time, rob a bank?"

"I think I WILL! I'll go rob a bank and I'll live on my own, I'll be rich and I'll never have to see any of you again-!"

"Van." Then he starts Speaking, and I can't help it, I'm crying, I can't even move I'm crying so hard, like my heart burst open and there was a whole ocean of tears inside and now they're pouring out. He's dead. Ven's dead. It was my fault. He's the one who should be alive and I'm the one who's supposed to be dead, it's not fair...

Dad's holding me, and I can't talk so I tell him with my eyes, everything, everything. Well...not everything about Ven. Because that's just for me and him, no one else. But I tell Dad about the old man, and that it was my fault Ven's dead, and that I'll do something crazy and huge if he doesn't _do something_ now, if he doesn't let me go. If Dad just blows this off and makes a stupid joke or _whatever_, whatever I know he's going to do, I'll kill him.

When I finish Speaking, he stops holding me and pushes me away and he goes and gets the bottle of poison I'm not supposed to ever touch. "Hey, Van, you know how you were asking to get a tattoo a while back?" he says. "Well, it's your lucky day. You get your wish - if you still want it."

_Huh?_ "What does-? That's- You wanna tattoo me with _that_?! You psycho, are you trying to kill me?!"

He tosses the bottle in his hand like it's a toy, like it won't burn him if the cap comes off or the bottle breaks. "It'd kill your grandpa, sure. You, though? With your grandma's blood and your mom's blood choking out his and mine? Of course it won't kill you. Just make you so disgusting your gramps won't ever want anything to do with you."

Ohhh- _Oh_... I'm crying again, even though I try not to. Dad...I can't hate him when he's trying to help me for real. He didn't just laugh, he didn't just act like his stupid self...I won't die after all...

"Van, it's gonna hurt like hell. You understand me?"

"I can take it."

"It might always hurt. Poison in your skin forever, you'll always feel it."

"It's better than being dead, right?"

He grins. "Sure." Then he picks up the phone and dials a number. "Oi, Kay, we're comin' over for a bit."

Huh?

I don't care about stupid Saïx, holed up in his room while Dad and Aunt Kay get drunk downstairs. I'm watching Dad...he's amazing. Aunt Kay thinks it's all her idea. He knows exactly what to say; he Speaks to me and I say all the right things, too. It'll look like her fault...no one can blame us, Gramps can't tell us we were wrong, it was all Aunt Kay, all her fault...

It does hurt, it hurts _so much_. I thought I was ready for it, but it hurts _so much_, like my whole arm's on fire, like he's burning me instead of just poking me with needles. _'Ven. Ven. Help me. Please, I need you. I'm sorry I killed you, please help me...'_

But then it's over, and my arm's still burning but I feel like I'm dancing through the flames. He can't touch me now. He'll never be able to touch me, he can't choose me, I'm safe forever and I didn't even have to run away. I'm right here under his nose and _he can't touch me anymore_. He'll have to take Saïx instead, heh.

_'Ven.'_ I'm not supposed to take the bandage off, but I do when I get home and I'm alone in my room. Tearing the tape off feels like I'm ripping off pieces of my skin, it hurts so much; but I look at the tattoo...

Ven's mark, the one he said belonged to his family. Everyone in his family is proud to use that mark, he said...maybe this is like I'm in his family, too.

...I bet he wouldn't like that, after what I did, but too bad, Ven, I'm in your family now.

I don't want to put the bandage back on. Looking at that tattoo...it's all I can see now, I can't see his face as much anymore. I'd rather look at this than keep seeing his face, that horrible face as he died. This way, it's like he's...still with me, protecting me...

o.o.o

Author's Notes: This was a completely random StepsibsVan idea that started writing itself in my head the last couple of days, so I scribbled it down on scraps of paper while I was at work.

**Ftr, there was some misrepresentation going on in "Marked Flesh" - Saïx doesn't remember the incident with complete accuracy, and Van & Xigbar were lying sometimes, since they have no reason to tell the truth and would rather the others think something different than what actually happened.**

I love VenVan... ;; Ftr, Van didn't literally kill Ven, but it was because of him that Ven died. :/ Also ftr, the pain does fade, but it never completely goes away.

And now that I've posted this depressing drabble, I'mma go get those fluffy XemXi fics ready to post in the other series.


	4. That Time of Year: Saïx and Axel

_**Stepsiblings**_**, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic series by Raberba girl**

**That Time of Year (rough draft)**

Summary: Most kids love Christmas. There are some exceptions.

**Saïx, age 4**

"...Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!" Mommy closes the book and smiles and kisses me. "Did you like the story, darling?"

I don't remember the story. There were deer and snow. I like when Mommy reads to me. "Yes."

She kisses me again and holds me tight. "Tonight is Christmas Eve," she says. "Sleep well, my darling, and tomorrow when you wake up, the living room will be filled with sparkling lights, and presents, so many presents..."

No presents in the living room now. "Where do the presents come from?" I ask. Does Santa leave them? I think that's what the book said.

"Why, Santa Claus will come and leave them for us, silly!"

"...He'll come tomorrow?"

"Tonight, darling."

Something's wrong. "When I'm _asleep_?"

She laughs. Why is she laughing? It's not funny. I don't like it. "Of course when you're asleep!"

"...When you're asleep?"

"Mm. Santa Claus only comes when good little boys and girls fall asleep and give their parents a rest."

"But the parents stay up?"

She pinches my cheek. She's mad now. Stupid Saïx stupid Saïx stupid Saïx... "I think you're being stupid on purpose, darling." It wasn't on purpose. I didn't mean it. I'll be good and fall asleep. "Tonight, when everyone's asleep, Santa Claus will come down the chimney and tiptoe through the dark and open his great big bag..."

I stare at her. This is a good thing? This is a bad thing. Why did the book say it was a good thing? "I don't want Santa to come."

She stares at me. I try to get out of her arms but she's holding me and I can't get out. "Why ever not, darling?"

"..."

She pinches me again. "Answer me. What are you frightened of?"

"...Santa."

"You're so strange," she says, and touches my hair. "What a strange son I have...maybe it's the other one who's speaking such nonsense."

Oh. The other Saïx. Maybe it's the other Saïx who's scared of Santa, not me.

...Maybe we're both scared of Santa. Santa won't know there are two of us, only me and Mommy know. Santa will come get the other Saïx, but he'll get me, too.

"Don't let him come in, Mommy." It's really important. "Please. Please don't let him come in."

She laughs. "Santa can do whatever he likes. It doesn't matter whether you lock the doors or set the alarms or try your hardest to keep him out, he always finds a way inside..."

My back hurts. It feels like spiders are walking all up and down it. "Please don't let him in, Mommy," I tell her.

She kisses my face, between my eyes, and she bites me a little. "Be good. Be a very, very good boy. If you're bad, I'll let him in and he'll come and do terrible things to you."

"I'll be good," I try to say, but I can't talk, my throat hurts, and I can't see. "I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good."

"Mm." She's still kissing me. Under my eyes, where the tears are. She likes how they taste, she told me one time.

"If I go to sleep, will you not do that?"

"Mm..." She stops and sighs. "I should let you go to bed."

"Please...stay up tonight..."

"I'm going to _bed_," she says, and she's mad, I can't say anything else. She gets up and pulls the covers around me and pats me. "Sleep well, my darling."

"Please...don't...let him...get me..."

She smiles. Her fingers walk up the blanket to my face. "Be - very - very - good." She holds my neck. "Or he'll _get _you."

I can't breathe. I can't breathe I can't breathe, Mommy stop-

She lets go. "Promise?"

I can't talk. I try to nod my head.

She kisses me again and walks away. She turns out the light. It's dark, it's so dark, the spiders are walking up and down my back and my neck hurts and I can't stop crying and I can't move and I don't want him to come get me, please don't come please don't come please don't come please don't...

**Axel, age 8**

Christmas is tomorrow Christmas is tomorrow Christmas is tomorrow Christmas is tomorrooooowwwww!

I can't wait. I'm so excited. I can't wait. "Mom, Santa's gonna come and leave _lots_ of presents this year, right? He's gonna leave a lot of presents?"

"_Yes_, Axel!" she says. She sounds kind of mad. _Why isn't she excited that Santa's coming?_ Geez! "Now go to sleep."

"I wanna stay up and wait for Santa!"

"Axel, go to SLEEP."

Argh, Mom is no fun. "You _have_ to get out of bed when I wake you up tomorrow, okay?"

She pounces on me and holds the blankets down tight so that I can't move. "You better not come bouncing in at five in the morning, kiddo," she growls like when we're playing, then she tickles me until I can't breathe and makes me promise I won't wake her up early.

"You're no fun!" I yell as she leaves.

"And you're a pain in the butt!" she yells back. "But I love you anyway!"

"I love you, too, party pooper!"

I can't sleep. There is _no way_ to sleep. Christmas is tomorrow Christmas is tomorrow Christmas is tomorrow Christmas is tomorrow...

Toss and turn and toss and turn. I can't stand it anymore. Can't watch TV, Mom'll kill me; don't wanna play with my toys; nothing else to do, nothing to doooooo for all the hours and hours and hours until Santa comes!

THERE'S A NOISE OUTSIDE. I run to the window.

I think it's Santa for a second, but it's not, it's too small. Mom? It's Mom. She's out in the snow. What the heck is she doing? Walking around...she has some weird stick in her hand...pushing the flat part on the ground, all over the yard...

I hide below the windowsill and watch until she goes back inside again. What the heck?

Sneak to the door, listen and listen and listen until I finally hear her go to bed.

Get out, wander around the house. Eat cookies until I feel sick. Uggghhh, the clock's barely moved, _why isn't it Christmas yet...?_

Go into the living room WAIT A SECOND, where did all these presents come from?! So many...wait, Santa was _here_? How was he _here_ already? I was watching! I was listening! Mom would have said if he'd come when she was awake, right?

I don't get it. I rip open a few presents, but it's not really fun when it's dark and I'm alone. I take the toys out of the boxes and try to play with them, but it's too quiet; I turn on the TV and put the volume all the way down, but it's too quiet, it's so quiet, it's creepy and I'm going back to bed.

Mom wakes me up the next morning. "Axel! What in the world are you still doing in bed?!"

I stare up at her. "Did you see Santa come last night?"

"Well...I mean, there are the tracks."

I sit up. "_Tracks_?"

She smiles and points outside. "Take a look for yourself."

I run outside, and sure enough, there they are, _reindeer tracks_, ahhhh! Santa's actually been here! He was here!

...Mom was out here, too. With a stick in her hands. In the snow. Wait...

Christmas isn't really fun this year. I've already opened some of my presents, so I open the rest but it's not great, I mean the toys are cool but I dunno...

What were those tracks? Were they really reindeer tracks?

Ven's plane comes in at 3:00; by lunchtime, she's dumped me at Uncle Reno's.

"Heyyyy, kiddo!" Uncle Reno messes up my hair. "How was Christmas, eh?"

"Uncle Reno, is Santa real?"

"Of course not, only idiots believe that."

I stare at him. "He left tracks in our backyard. But I think Mom did that."

"Heh heh, so she really used that reindeer stamp thing, huh?"

"What are you talking about?"

A few weeks later, Mom's making me clean the garage again, and I find the stick. It's got something on the bottom shaped like reindeer hoofs. Someone could walk around outside and stab that thing in the snow and make it look like a bunch of reindeer were walking around.

"I'm not an idiot," I say. But it was fun, it was so fun while it lasted, why couldn't it be real, why couldn't I have had it for a few more years like all my other idiot friends, why does it have to be a lie...?

I tell everyone that Santa's a fake. The grown-ups laugh and say I'm silly; the girls cry and I feel bad; I get in fights with the other boys. "Axel," Ven says, "maybe you should just keep this to yourself. Let them have their fun."

"I didn't get to keep my fun."

He looks like he doesn't know what to say. He pats my shoulder.

"I wish I'd never heard of Santa Claus."

"Oh..."

I'm over it by the next Christmas. I tell Mom I believe in Santa again, so she writes "From Santa" on all the presents but I'm _watching her do it_. It's so stupid.

There aren't any tracks in the snow this year. I go and get the stamp and stamp it all over the snow in the yard, and I come in and say, "Look, Santa was here."

"You're right, he was here!" Mom says.

Ven doesn't say anything. He just gives me a hug. WHY do I feel like I'm gonna start crying, I run up to my room and don't come out again until I can make the tears stay inside.

**Saïx, age 8**

I hate my cousin.

I wouldn't get in the box, so Van hit me and pushed me down and tied my hands with the ribbon they used for the presents, and it's too tight and my arms hurt and my hands are tingling, and now he has a marker and he's writing on my face.

"Stay _still_, you little turd!"

"Get _off_ me!"

He throws the marker and puts his face close to mine. "Be good," he sings, "'cuz if you're not, Santa Claus is gonna come and _get you_."

I can't cry in front of Van I can't cry in front of Van I _can't cry in front of Van_. It's so hard not to cry, I can't do anything when he grabs the marker again and finishes writing.

"There," he says, "you're a perfect little present from Santa. I hope your mom freaks out and smashes you into another wall. I hope you die this time."

I hope he dies, too, but I can't say that because if I say anything I'll cry.

The door opens. Someone comes in. I hope it's someone good. Van's already hurting me, and if more people come and help him hurt me, I won't be able to...I can't...

"Van! What are you _doing_!?"

It's Aunt Rinoa, it's Aunt Rinoa, oh thank you thank you thank you, please help me...

"I wasn't doing anything!" Van yells, jumping off me.

Aunt Rinoa stares at me, and I try to get up and look away because I look horrible and she probably thinks I'm awful. She turns around and tries to grab Van, but he ran away. I hope she chases after him. I don't like her seeing me like this.

She's doesn't, she comes over and breaks the ribbon around my arms. My hands hurt. I want to tell her to go away, but tears are already coming and if I say anything, she'll know I'm crying.

"Poor baby," she says, pulling the bow off my hair and holding my arm where Van cut me with the scissors. "Come here, let's get you cleaned up..."

I can't hide it anymore when we get to the bathroom, but she acts like she doesn't care I'm crying. She puts a bandage on the cut and takes a cloth and scrubs at my face. It hurts a little, but not as much as my hands, I can't even _move_ them they tingle and burn like they fell asleep. She finds a comb and fixes my hair, and when she's doing that I see my face in the mirror, and it's not as bad as I thought...it looks strange, she couldn't get all the black off, but you can't really see what Van wrote anymore. My hands don't hurt as much. I can feel them now, mostly.

Aunt Rinoa turns me around and holds my face and looks worried. "Are you all right, baby?" She holds me and she calls me baby just like Mother does. I don't mind. It's nice when Aunt Rinoa does it.

"I'm always all right," I tell her. My throat hurts, but I can say it without crying.

Aunt Rinoa hugs me for a long time. "Sweetheart," she finally says, "Squall and I can leave the party now. We can take you home with us, if you want. Do you want us to take you home early?"

"_Yes_," I tell her, but we go and ask Father, and Father won't let me. It's the only time all year that our whole family's together, and I have to stay.

"What happened to you, kiddo?" Uncle Xigbar laughs.

Aunt Rinoa glares. "Ask your son."

Uncle Xigbar rolls his eyes. "Whatever, I get the picture."

"Then go do something about it!"

They're fighting, so I go look for someplace quiet where no one will find me. There's a bookshelf with boring-looking books. I take one out and start reading, and I don't know what it's about but the words are fun to say. _"From...fairest creatures we desire increase, that there_... What? 'Thereby'? _beauty's rose might never die, but as the_...ripper..._should by time decrease..."_

"Now here's a little bookworm that seriously needs to be squished," someone says, and I'm throwing the book at Van's face.

He ducks and laughs and grabs me, and I kick him, and he's twisting my arms behind my back and telling me he's going to squish me like a worm and then I hear Uncle Xigbar's voice.

"Now, see, this kind of thing is why women keep yelling at me."

Van lets go. I kick him hard, he starts hitting me but Uncle Xigbar pulls him off. "Van, seriously, cut it out, it's frickin' _Christmas_."

"He should go die," Van snarls.

"I can think of someone who _definitely_ needs to die, and it's not your cousin...at least, not yet..."

"I want to go _home_!"

"Don't be a brat." Uncle Xigbar shoves him toward the door, Van sticks up his middle finger, Uncle Xigbar's eyes glow and Van runs away screaming that he's sorry.

I can't tell Van's father that I hate him. "Why is he always so mean to me?" I ask.

"Maybe he has a crush on you," Uncle Xigbar says, pulling me to my feet.

"What?"

"Hm..." Uncle Xigbar's holding my face and looking at it. "He really did a number on you, huh."

"I want to go home."

"Don't blame you," he says, sitting down on the couch. "Boring party like this is no place for kids...or for me...man, I need a real drink."

"...Uncle Xigbar?"

"Hm?"

"Is Mother scared of Santa?"

He stares. "What?"

"Van said she'd be scared if he gave me to her as a present...is it because she'd think I'm from Santa?"

"Sai, you are the strangest kid sometimes," he says, and laughs. "No one's scared of Santa. Everyone loves Santa."

I stare.

He stares back. "Right?"

My mouth feels dry. "No one is? Even though he watches you all the time and comes and _gets you_ when you're bad?"

Uncle Xigbar stares some more. I think I said something wrong.

"Never mind."

Uncle Xigbar smiles. "No, you got a point there, kiddo. 'He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake'...Santa has his eye on you _alllll_ the time, he's watching for you to make a wrong move, and when you do - on Christmas Eve - he sneaks into your house and-" He claps his hands hard in front of my face, and I jerk away. He laughs at me. "Oh, kid, you are a riot."

I don't know what he's talking about. I shouldn't have said anything to him about Santa. "I'm good."

Uncle Xigbar leans close. "Are you?" he whispers, smiling.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, Santa knows, he was watching me and Van fight, he knows I wasn't good...

"Whoa. Geez, don't have a heart attack, kid, I was just teasing you."

I stare at him. "So Santa's really not watching?"

"Well..."

Aunt Bianca stomps in, dragging Van by the ear. "Xigbar Acerbi, _what_ was Rinoa just telling me about _your son_?"

"I dunno, what was she telling you about _your son_?" Uncle Xigbar says.

"I didn't do it!" Van yells.

Aunt Bianca sees me. She points. "You didn't do _that_? Poor Saïx did NOT show up to this party with marker streaks all over his face and covered with bandages!"

"Saïx is a _wuss_!"

"And _you_ are about to get in serious trouble!"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

"No!" Uncle Xigbar yells.

"Yes!" Van yells.

"No!" Uncle Xigbar yells again, and he's laughing for some reason.

"Ye-!" Van's eyes widen. "YOU TRICKED ME!"

Too much yelling. I escape out the side door.

When we finally get home after the party, it's late and I'm so tired. I fell asleep in the car; Father carries me to my bed, but after he leaves I can't sleep, we're home and it's Christmas Eve and it's dark and I'm so tired but I keep thinking I hear noises on the roof...

I'm so tired, but finally I get up and take my blanket into my closet and shut the door, like I do every year. He's never found me in here. I can't stay awake, but if I'm in here instead of in my bed, then maybe even if I fall asleep I'll still be safe...

**Saïx, age 11**

I didn't know eyes could be pretty, but Xion has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Sometimes I stand there looking at her for a long, long time, because I can't stop looking at her eyes, and she keeps laughing and reaching up for my eyes, as if she likes them, too. I've never seen eyes like hers...blue, and warm. She likes me. I know she likes me, even when she pulls on my hair and drools on me. She smiles a lot when I hold her.

I don't know what I did to make her like me...no one else does, except my aunts, and both of them are gone now...but somehow, for some reason, when Xion looks at me, her eyes aren't hard and cold. They've never been.

Xion's really annoying, too...Mother gets upset a lot more than she used to, and then I have to take care of Xion. And Xion's messy. _So messy._ Father says that all babies and children are like that, even me when I was younger. But...I don't know. Sometimes, when Xion looks at me like she's looking at me now, I don't mind very much that she's annoying.

"You have to color in the lines, Xion."

"Pretty." She holds up her picture. It's awful, she just scribbled the crayon all over the place.

"No. Not like that. Look." I show her, coloring really carefully so that all the color stays inside the lines and none of it gets out. Xion still has the blue crayon in her hand, and she scribbles over what I just colored. "NO, Xion!"

"No!" she says at me, and throws the crayon.

"You're not supposed to throw tantrums, Xion. You have to be a good girl." I turn the page in the coloring book to try again. It's a picture of Santa Claus. I rip out the page and wad it up, crush and crush it as hard as I can, but it's not enough so I uncrumple it again and rip it up into the smallest pieces I can make.

"Ha ha!" Xion looks happy. She tears more pages out of the book, but they don't have Santa on them.

"_No_, Xion!" She's so stupid. I don't know if all babies are stupid or just her, but she really is, and it makes me want to hit my head against the wall.

"_You're_ stupid!" Xion yells, and hits her head against me like she read my mind.

"Stop it, don't do that. Look, _watch_ how I color."

After a while she sits on my back and watches me, and she's heavy and stupid but it's better than her scribbling all over the place, so I just let her sit there while I color. Brown for the reindeer, green for the tree, all sorts of colors for the presents...

"Tomorrow's Christmas, Xion. There'll be presents - I made something for you, too, at school. You probably won't like it, or you'll eat it or something, but listen, it's the thought that counts. That's what the grown-ups- That's what the _adults_ say. You're my sister now, so I made you a present, okay?"

She pulls on my hair and drools on me. But she sounds happy. I really hope she won't stay this stupid when she grows up.

At the party that night, it's the first time a lot of them have gotten to see her, _everyone_ loves Xion. Kind of. They're kind of scary, too, they all look like they're going to eat her, a bunch of yellow-eyed tigers and hawks, and she's so tiny and her eyes are only blue, she can't hurt anyone but they can hurt her so easy...

She won't stop crying. Mother finally takes her back, but when she still won't stop crying, Mother gets angry and gives her to Father. She's still crying. Why is everyone being so _stupid_? They're all too close and too loud, they won't leave her alone. Of course she's upset.

"Xion, enough now," Father says sternly. "You are making a scene and behaving very badly."

"Want Sax," she sobs.

She can't say my name right. I hate it.

"Want Sax. I'm good. Don't burn."

Sometimes I have no idea what she's talking about, but I go up and Father lets me hold her, and she wraps her arms tight around my neck and hides her face on my shoulder. I can't breathe, I wish she'd let go.

"Heh, looks like the little poppet's taken a shine to her big brother," Uncle Xigbar laughs.

What a stupid nickname. She's not a _doll_. She's too heavy and gross for that. "She wants to lie down," I say, because it's the only thing I can think of to get her out of there, away from them all. "I'm going to take her upstairs."

"Keep her there," Mother snaps. "I'm sick of looking at both of you."

"Yes, Mother." That's so ridiculous. We just _got_ Xion a couple of weeks ago, and already Mother doesn't like her...? She was the one who wanted her so badly in the first place. "Come on, Xion."

I take her upstairs and put her on the bed in one of the guest rooms, but now that we're alone, she doesn't want to sleep. She laughs and tries to sit on me. "No more burn. Sax good."

"Make sense, please." I push her off and sit up again. She tries to crawl off the bed and nearly falls. I stand up and take her arms and swing her off, but when I try to let go, she grabs me again.

"Swing! Swing!"

Ugh. I swing her a few times, but she is _heavy_.

"Swing!"

"Enough, Xion!"

Then the door suddenly bursts open and I shove Xion back on the bed and stand in front of her. It's Van. If Van tries to hurt her, I will kill him.

"I didn't get to see the baby," he says.

"Go away," I growl.

"Let me _see_."

I reach for the closest heavy thing I can find, the telephone on the bedside table, but before I can turn around again he tackles me and tries to wrestle it out of my hands. I shove back and knock us both over so that I land on him, but he's so quick, he flips up on top and starts hitting me.

Then he freezes. Xion is crying. "No! No! No! No!"

Van lowers his fists and smiles at her. "It's okay, little girl, we were just playing."

"We were _not_," I snarl at him. I want to put my hand over my face, because it hurts where he hit me, but the way he's kneeling, he's got my arms pinned and I can't move. "Get _off_ me."

"Go away!" Xion wails. "Go away!"

"Nooo," Van says in this baby-hushing voice, getting up and going to take hold of her, "No, no, no, little girl, stop crying, I won't hurt him if it's so important to you-"

"NO!" she screams in a panic, pushing at him.

I struggle to my feet and try to shove him aside so I can take her, but he fights back. "_Give_ her to me."

"No! I want to see her!" he yells.

"She hates you!"

He tells me to go do something that I wish he hadn't said in front of Xion.

"No. Give her _back_."

He puts her down again and grabs me and starts hurting me with that blank look he gets when he's really serious and isn't just doing it for fun, but now Xion's screaming instead of just crying, and throwing a fit. "GO AWAY SAX!"

I know what she really means. I can tell Van knows, too, even though he pretends not to. "But I'm _making_ him go away," he coos. "I'll kill him and he'll go away forever and you'll never have to worry about him ever again."

She falls forward and sobs like her heart is broken.

"Gah!" Van throws me down, then kneels over me again and holds my hands tight when I try to push him away. "Saïx," he says. He almost never calls me by my name, and it makes me pause. "Please." I don't care what he says or what he wants, I want to kill him. "_Please_. I never got to see her. Let me just look at her. You can even hold her, just let me..."

His eyes. I've never seen things in them before except when he wants to hurt me, but for the first time I see in his eyes - _desperation "Please Saïx she's so beautiful and small and helpless and I can crush her but I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to I want her treasure her forever..."_

"What?" I gasp, and his eyes go blank again.

"Let me _see_ her," he snarls.

I know how he really feels now, and even though he's hiding it again, I can't forget. "Get. _Off. Me._"

He looks at me for a long time, then slowly lets me up. I pick up Xion and hold her close, and she wraps her tiny arms around my neck and nearly chokes me, she's hugging me so hard. Finally Van reaches out and brushes aside a lock of her hair, I didn't even know he could be that gentle.

"Little girl," he says softly, "look at me."

"...Xion," I say. "It's okay now, we're not going to fight."

Her arms tighten. Her fingers have gotten tangled in my hair and it hurts, but I'm not mad at her.

"Please look at me," Van whispers.

_'Tell him you hate him,'_ I think, but Xion peeks out at him a little. They look at each other for a long time.

Then Van smiles and his face is so soft, and the wordless love in his eyes almost makes me sick. He is a _monster_, how can he love Xion like that when I hate him so, so, so much? He only just met her! Why is she so precious to him? I want to kill him. I'll never let him get his hands on her.

Xion sits up in my arms and points her finger. "Be nice to Sax," she orders.

"Awww...baby girl, that is _really_ hard to do," he whines, almost playfully. I want to hit him.

"You scary," she grumbles, and lays her head back on my chest.

Van is so quiet, I finally look over at him, but I can't see his eyes before he turns away and leaves. Just leaves, without a word. I don't understand.

That night when we get home, I lie in the dark and wait until the house is quiet, until I know Mother and Father have gone to bed. Then I get up again to fetch Xion.

Just like I knew they would, Mother and Father _left_ her here in her crib where anyone can find her. I'm the only one who knows, so I'm the only one who can protect her. I hate this, I hate that I have to work harder because I have to take care of someone else instead of just myself, but if I don't take care of Xion then no one else will, so I have to.

She's asleep. It's hard to get her out of the crib in the dark, but finally I manage to do it without dropping her. She wakes up a little and makes unhappy noises until I whisper, "Sssh, Xion. Please be very quiet, it's very important."

"Sax," she murmurs, and then she doesn't say anything else. She's already asleep again before I get to my room and go into the closet. I shut the door by leaning against it and then sit down in the dark, trying not to hold her too tight because I don't want her to wake up. If she wakes up she'll talk, and we have to be quiet...really quiet...and I can't fall asleep, because I have to be awake to put Xion back in her crib before Mother and Father wake up, and it's going to be a long, long time of me sitting her holding her and already she's so heavy...

...I kind of like it though, just a little bit, that this year I'm not alone. I'm more worried, because there's two of us to worry about instead of just one. But I don't have to sit in the dark all alone this time, and she's heavy and I'm worried but I'm also a little relieved, too.

**Saïx, age 12**

Maybe it will be different this year.

It's been too cold to eat outside, so I was eating lunch in the cafeteria, reading my book. I forgot to keep reading when I heard what the girls were saying at the table behind me.

"Give it _up_, there's no such thing as Santa Claus!"

_What?_

"SSSHHHH!"

"There's no fat guy who comes-"

"_SSSHHHH_!"

"It's your mom and dad who leave the presents-"

"I'm gonna be six years old forever, okay, so shut up!"

I couldn't concentrate on my book. I couldn't eat. I just sat there until the bell rang, and even then, it wasn't until I saw other students passing by me on their way to class that I realized I needed to get up and leave so I wouldn't be late.

I couldn't concentrate in class, either. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day, wondering if it was true, wondering if it was true. All those movies, all those books, the way the adults talk about him, he _has_ to be real, doesn't he? Father wouldn't lie to me about something like this...

When we were supposed to be working on our Revolution Era presentations, I couldn't help it. I looked up the army uniforms and civilian fashions like I was supposed to, but then I also opened up another search and typed, _"Is Santa Claus real?"_

The first few links frightened me, but...then...I found one. I couldn't tear my eyes away. I read the entire entry, and then I read it again. Could it...be true...?

But no, you're not supposed to trust only one source, you have to look for others, so I did, but I didn't understand. So many of the links said it was true, but there were plenty of others that... _"'Is Santa Real?' Breaking the Truth to Your Children: What You Need to Know." "A Cross-Culture History of the Santa Claus Figure." "Santa Claus: Behind the Myth."_

They couldn't both be true. Some of these people were lying. _So many_ of these people were lying.

...I had to know which ones were, and which ones were telling the truth. I had to know. And I couldn't let myself hope, couldn't let myself be relieved until I knew for sure...

I wrote a letter to Aunt Rinoa during my next class, when I was supposed to be doing math problems. I wouldn't get an answer in time, but there was nothing else I could do - there's no other way to reach her, and there was no one else I could ask. In the meantime, I supposed I'd still have to hide again, at least one more year.

I was still thinking about it when I got home. Xion ran to me immediately and demanded that I play with her, but this was _important_. I pushed her away and went to the computer so I could do some more research. Hopefully I'd be able to resolve this soon so I could start on my homework. I didn't have time to try to get rid of her as she brought her silly toys into the room and started playing on the floor next to me, all I could do was ignore her made-up ramblings as best as I could.

I think I was talking to myself. "These children, they don't sound like they've seen anything firsthand." So many people, especially young ones who wouldn't know any better, insisting on believing in something they had no proof for. "What about these videos, then?" There was a different one, of a man putting on a wig and a suit. There were links in the video's description-

Sacred _moon_, an _entire Web site_ dedicated to-?! An online shop for?! Sacred moon...anyone, _anyone_ could buy these clothes, these _costumes_ online and have them delivered, and then dress up in them to frighten children. Anyone...

_Was_ there even a real Santa Claus, or were _all_ of them false?

"Xion, there is no Santa Claus," I said experimentally, testing the words.

She looked up at me. "Santa?"

"He doesn't exist."

She held up a purple unicorn. "Play ponies?"

I sighed. "Not now, Xion, I'm busy..."

She tried to climb up into my lap. "I'm hungry."

"Xion, I'm _busy_."

"I'm _hungry_!"

"...When was the last time you ate?"

"I dunno."

"Xion," I said in annoyance, "did you eat lunch?"

"I dunno."

"_Xion_."

She clutched my shirt and buried her face in my shoulder, leaning on me so heavily that it was difficult to reach the keyboard to type. I sighed and stood up, carrying her. "Will you leave me alone if I feed you?"

"I'm hungry."

I sighed and took her into the kitchen to make something for her to eat, then worked on my homework at the dining room table and tried to ignore her and her silly mermaid movie. That got pretty difficult when she began to sing along to the songs, but when I tried to move to my room, she _followed me_ (of course). "Xion, please!"

"Play ponies."

"...No. You need to do your homework first," I tried.

She looked at me curiously. "Huh?"

I found a coloring book and opened it to an unused page. "Color this picture very, very neatly, using as many crayons as you can, and I will give you a 100%."

"Okay!" She grabbed a crayon and started scribbling. I didn't _care_, just as long as she left me alone long enough to get my assignments done.

Even a week later, I still didn't have Aunt Rinoa's reply. I'd expected that, but it was still difficult...

On Christmas Eve, I tried to tell myself over and over again that Santa Claus wasn't real. There was nothing to be afraid of. There was no need to hide any longer. I could spend tonight in bed, fast asleep like a normal person...

Except it took me the longest time to fall asleep. I kept tossing and turning, forcing myself to stay in bed, forcing myself not to imagine anything, trying to explain away all the noises I heard after Father had gone to bed. Just the creaking of the house, the wind in the trees...

Then I realized with a start that I had been dozing, and it was after midnight, and it was hard to breathe and my skin was crawling so badly that it was almost painful, and it was so dark I couldn't _see_ if he was coming, and I'd left the poker behind this time because I'd thought I wouldn't need it but I did need it, I needed something to fight with, he'd come and I wouldn't be able to stop him but he's _not real_ I couldn't- Where's- No, wait, I can't yet, Xion's- She's-

It was so hard to be quiet as I crept down the hall, so hard to keep the panic inside, but I _had_ to; had to get her before- He's not in the house, he's _not in the house_, that was the refrigerator, the ice cubes falling, there's no one, Father's asleep and _oh_ she's so heavy, why is she so much heavier when she's asleep than when she's awake

"Saïx?"

"Sssh, Xion, we have to be very quiet."

"Quiet?"

"_Ssshhh!_"

"Okay..."

Safe. Though I was still breathing hard, I couldn't get my body to stop shaking even though we were closed in now, no light to give us away.

"What are we playing?"

"We're...playing...Hide-and-Go-Seek. We're hiding. We have to be very quiet and still so he doesn't find us."

She giggled. "Okay."

Eventually, thankfully, she fell back asleep. Then I could finally let the tears slip out, though I tried to wipe them away quickly. But they just kept coming, faster now, and I took deep breaths so I could stay quiet. Maybe I needed more time to get used to it...I just needed one more year...or two...would I have to do this forever?

**Axel, age 13**

Mom's a lazy bum and isn't even awake when they come.

I already woke up early, before even my alarm clock went off because I couldn't sleep, knowing we'd finally get to see Dad and everyone. I woke up Roxas and made us both breakfast and got us dressed and packed and everything, then we sat and watched cartoons until a car pulled up in the driveway. I looked out the window, and it was Uncle Terra driving... But it's okay. Even if Dad didn't come, we'll see him soon. We'll see him soon...

Aunt Ella is getting out of the car and coming up to the house, and I open the door before she gets here. "Hi, Aunt Ella."

"Axel, darling!" She comes and hugs me, and Roxas comes toddling over and she hugs him, too. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, we're fine. Let's go."

"Daddy?" Roxas asks.

"He's in the car-"

Roxas gallops out before she can even finish, and I catch my breath as I see Dad coming out from the backseat, scooping up Roxas and hugging him so tight I bet Roxas can't breathe. My throat feels tight even though I'm smiling. "He came..."

Aunt Ella looks uncomfortable. "We...he didn't...er, we thought it was best if I..." She clears her throat. "Where's your mother?"

"She's asleep." I grab our bags and start to walk out, but then stop when I realize that Aunt Ella's not following me. "What are you waiting for?"

"Don't you think you ought to say good-bye to her...?"

"Geez, we'll see her tomorrow."

She looks unhappy, then finally says, "I'll at least leave a note for her."

"Whatever. I'm going to the car." I walk over slowly, and say hi when Uncle Terra rolls down the window, but I'm watching Dad. He's still holding Roxas, and the two of them are babbling at each other with their faces all lit up as if they forgot about everyone else in the world, even me. I'm waiting, and telling myself to just give up and go sit down and buckle up, but then Dad finally raises his head. I take a step back. If you didn't want me before, why would you want me now-

But his face lights up again and he swings Roxas down and kisses him and then comes up to me and wraps me in his arms before I can push him away. "Axel..."

"Get _off_ me."

"Hey..."

"Let's just _go_, all right?" I throw my stuff in the trunk, not even sure why I'm so mad, since I've been wanting to see him so much. When I whirl back around to get in the car, I can't because he's standing in my way, where the door is. I _hate_ the look on his face.

"Axel...I'm really sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," I snap. "You're not the freaking cheater. Move."

He raises a hand, then drops it again. "Axel, I-"

"Let's just go!" I scream at him. "I hate it here and I don't wanna stay here a second longer!" Roxas is staring up at me, wide-eyed and clinging to Dad's coat, and I can't stand the way he's looking at me, either, so I stomp around to the other side of the car and get in the back and stare out the window.

Aunt Ella comes to close the door, but first she reaches in and surprises me when she strokes my face. "Axel," she says softly, "we all love you very much."

"I don't care!" I'm not mad at her, either, so _why_ am I acting like I am?

"Is there a problem we need to talk about, Axel?" Uncle Terra says, and I know from his voice that I'll be in trouble if I keep this up, because he won't let anyone be mean to Aunt Ella.

"No," I mumble, "I'm fine." I lean my head against the window and cover my head with my arm so that I won't have to talk to anyone. "I'm tired." Aunt Ella kisses my head and then shuts the door. Dad gets Roxas settled in the car seat and then sits next to him, a little too big for the seat in the middle of the minivan. I move my knee so that we're not touching anymore.

On the way there, I listen to them all talking, and I want to join in because it sounds fun and I missed them all so much, but I don't want to say anything, either. I'm sooooo MAD, and I hate _something_, but I don't even know why I'm mad or what I hate. I hate Mom, I guess. I hate Mom for _ruining everything_. Like she _always_ does. I feel like I'm losing things, like I can't hold on to anything, and it's all her fault...

Uncle Terra and Aunt Ella's house is loud and crowded, because everyone's spending Christmas Eve here. It's supposed to be fun, but after I snap at Aeris and get in a fight with Jaq and Gippal for teasing Gus, the aunts and uncles are starting to get mad at me. Even Roxas doesn't care about me anymore, with all these other people to play with. I finally go up to Zidane's room and start playing one of his video games. If everyone hates me, then I'm just gonna spend Christmas alone.

After a while, I hear someone's footsteps in the hall. I tense up and wait, expecting them to go into the bathroom or something, but whoever it is comes into the bedroom. If it's Demyx, I'm gonna start throwing punches; if it's Aunt Aqua or one of my uncles coming to chew me out again, I'm just gonna walk out of here and go _home_. I don't wanna spend Christmas with Mom, but if I'm gonna be miserable anyway, might as well be miserable where there won't be a whole houseful of people getting on my case.

It's Dad. He picks up the other controller and sits down next to me without asking.

"Get lost."

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't move, either. I finally go back to the menu screen and wait. "Pick a player, dummy," I finally say. He still doesn't move, and I shrink down a little. "I didn't mean it...just...just pick someone to play as, okay...?"

Nothing, for a minute. Then, sloooowly, click, click, click, he moves along a picks a player. But just as I start a new mission, he sighs and puts the controller back down and covers his eyes with one hand. I get mad at him again and pause the game, and push away my own controller and fold my arms and wait.

For a while I can't hear anything except our breathing, and the humming and whirring from the PlayStation. Then Dad finally says, "Axel...I'm _sorry_. What more do you want from me?"

"I don't want anything!" I shout. "_She's_ the one who cheated! She's the one who should go drive off a cliff! I hate her!"

He _still_ doesn't say anything. I want to hit him just to make him sit up and _look_ at me, try to punch him into having a spine, then I realize he's crying, and I hate him and myself more than ever. "Why is this so hard...?" he whispers.

I can't stand it. My hands hurt from clenching them into fists, and I finally crawl over and shove him so he's sitting up straighter and hiss at him, "_Pick a player_. We're going to _blow up aliens_, we're gonna blow their brains and guts out, STOP CRYING."

He picks up the controller again.

I turn up the volume loud, and yell and whoop as we're shooting, and he's a sucky partner at first but finally he starts keeping up with me, and actually taking down the guys he shoots at, and finally bam bam bam we're _mowing_ down the enemy lines and now he's gasping and yelling along with me every time we lose a life or find a chest or get ambushed, and then we finally break into the master control room and BAM, we've won.

"Whooooo!"

"We did it," he laughs.

"_Yeah_!" I hold out my fist, and after a minute he laughs again and pounds it.

"We make a good team, huh?"

"Yeah, when you're not being a wuss."

He puts the controller down again and sighs.

I fiddle around on the menu, not sure if I should start a new mission. "I don't wanna talk about anything dumb."

"...All right." Then he reaches over and puts a hand on my shoulder, and I look at him. "But it's not dumb to tell you that I still love you and Roxas as much as ever."

"I _know_," I grumble. Then I hit the pause button so the music's not blaring anymore, and I stand up and cross my arms and glare at the floor so that I can say, "...Dad...I'm sorry for being a pain...I just...don't know what to do."

He stands up and hugs me, and I sigh and let him. "I don't know what to do, either, Ax," he says softly. "I just don't know."

"You and Mom are gonna get divorced, aren't you."

"I don't know," he whispers.

"...Can I come live with you?"

"...I would...like that...but I don't kn-"

"Never mind!" I push him away and try to keep my arms down at my sides. "We don't know, okay? We're both freaking stupid and I wish Mom would go die and I'm _hungry_, when are we having lunch?"

"Soon, I think...would you like to go down and see how we can help?"

"No."

He holds out a hand. "Let's go down anyway."

His shoulders aren't as hunched as before. I finally go past him to the door, and push his hand away because I'm not gonna hold it, I'm not a freaking baby. "Fine." He catches up to me and puts his arm around my shoulders as we walk down the hall, and that's not as bad as holding my hand so I don't push him away this time.

**Axel, age 14**

This year's been hell.

Dad was bad enough...just by itself, that was bad enough. But because Mom is a piece of scum who should have died instead of him, she lost her job and nearly killed us for two months until Aunt Aqua finally rescued us.

Two months of watching Mom drink herself half to death, or being _gone_ for days on end with no warning; of keeping Roxas away from home as much as possible; of locking us both in my room with my 'weapons' close by every time we _did_ have to be home, because who knows what scumbags Mom might be bringing in at any time of the day or night; two months of watching the house turn into a garbage dump; of saving half my lunches from school so I'd have something to feed Roxas; of stealing money from my aunts and uncles for stuff Mom wasn't buying anymore, until they caught me and started just giving money to me so I wouldn't have to steal it; of spending nights in my mom's disgusting room the times when she was home and alone and not as drunk as usual, because she'd steal Roxas from me and I didn't trust her with him and it scared him when we fought, so I had to just let her take him and keep an eye on them; of being on pins and needles and barely sleeping; of my grades tanking so bad that, even with Aunt Aqua hounding me in May afterwards, I still failed my last year of junior high...

I lied about why I needed the money at first, because...I dunno. A lot of things. The shame of being caught, the way I _couldn't_ look them in the faces because they'd never been anything but nice to me, and this was how I'd repaid them. Knowing I _could_ take care of Roxas, that if it wasn't for frickin' _school_, if it wasn't for needing those breakfasts and lunches, I could find some kind of job and take care of us on my own. The sick, disorienting feeling I got whenever I thought about how they weren't really related to me, how they had every right to love Roxas, but my dad - my _stepdad_ - was gone now and there wasn't anymore reason they should care about me, especially since my own real mom didn't, that I was alone except for my brother, who was so little and needed me so much. The fear in the back of my mind that they might take Roxas away from me, and I wouldn't be able to stop them.

But of course they guessed. And they came to the house and saw. And when they took Roxas away, they took me, too, and Aqua said I should have _told_ them sooner and Terra said there was no shame in needing help, and Zack told me that I was just as much their family as Roxas was, and Ella just held me and cried. And we stayed with them for a few amazing months, in Aunt Aqua's clean house with her clean beds and _so much_ good food... My aunts taught me how to cook for real and how to take care of Roxas better, and Aqua made me do chores and got on my case so that I passed summer school and wouldn't have to repeat eighth grade, and my cousins practically became like my brothers, especially Demyx and Zidane who were my age. I thought maybe that life didn't completely suck after all, that maybe me and Roxas could survive all this, and that maybe one day, I wouldn't be miserable anymore.

Then frickin' Mom cleaned up her act _just enough_ to get Roxas back, and where Roxas had to go, I was going, too.

So here we were again. Messy, dark, depressing house; the vermin and most of the garbage might be gone now, but I still gave up trying to keep a few areas clean, it was so hopeless. Mom stumbling back and forth to work, not enough of her paychecks going toward bills, remembering sometimes that she had kids to take care of, too. Giving us ramen or fast food for dinner instead of, like, actual food. One day when I came to get Roxas from Aunt Ella's house and Aunt Aqua was visiting, I dug Aqua's wallet out of her purse and took out all the cash that was in it, while they were both watching me, and they started giving me money again. They came back to the house, too, but it wasn't enough to get us back out of there, and they lectured Mom but she whined at them and finally acted like she gave in, then got drunk after they left. She wasn't bringing guys home anymore, but I still kept Roxas locked in with me on the nights I could keep him away from Mom.

Misery... A step up from before, though. Mom's not as much of a zombie, sometimes we actually _talk_. Not about anything important, but...words are exchanged. She's awake more. She's not drinking as much. She's not sleeping around as much. We have plans for Christmas. I don't care. I don't care how hard she's trying or how different things are (neither of them are enough), this is not home anymore, and I hate it here, and I wish she wasn't our mom.

"Make sure you're home early from school tomorrow night, okay?"

I don't bother mentioning that we've been on winter break for days now. I've been getting up every morning as usual so that I can take Roxas to one of our aunts' houses for a real breakfast, then just hang out with him all day either with our cousins, or at whatever places are warm and won't kick us out. "Okay."

"You don't have any club activities or meetings or practices, do you?"

That's a laugh. I dropped all my extracurricular stuff after we had to come back and Aunt Aqua wasn't bugging me about my future college applications and job applications anymore. But I've been lying about them, because then Mom doesn't wonder why I don't bring Roxas straight home after school every day. "I kinda told the, uh, class president that I'd help out with-"

"Cancel it! It's Christmas Eve! No one should make you stay late on Christmas Eve!"

No one has school on Christmas Eve, either. Idiot.

"Why are they making you come to school on Christmas Eve, anyway? That's stupid. They gave us two weeks off for Christmas when I was in school."

"Yeah, well, times've changed."

"It's ridiculous."

"Uh huh."

"Hey. You _do_ have Christmas off, right?"

I don't want to tell her, but I've already been pushing the limits of believability. "...Yeah."

"Good! We'll go ice skating. It'll be fun."

"Whatever."

Christmas Eve dawns. Aunt Ella makes waffles for breakfast. Zidane sleeps through it. Uncle Terra and I talk about football for a while. I take Roxas out to the park for as long as I can stand, then look for someplace warm. Around four or four-thirty, I sigh and take my brother's hand and start trudging home.

Mom's still out when we get there. I have a package of hot cocoa mix from one of Uncle Terra's co-workers that had gotten passed on to me, so I make it. Roxas and I drink it while we watch a Christmas movie on TV. We play Ninja Turtles. Mom's a lot later than she said she'd be; can't say I'm surprised. We make a fort. Mom's still not back. I read him a library book about Frosty the Snowman and he falls asleep on me. While I'm wondering if I should move him to my room and lock the door, I doze off before I can decide.

We wake up in the middle of the night when Mom comes bursting in, singing some Christmas song I don't recognize because she can barely pronounce the words. Some strange guy is half-carrying her because she can barely stand up, and I'm so furious and scared I could kill them both. "Nice place," the guy slurs while looking around, then starts gagging like he's about to throw up.

"Who's that?" Roxas whispers, clutching the back of my shirt. I pick him up and watch until Mom and her latest not-worth-being-called-a-boyfriend start heading down the hall. Then I dive for our shoes and coats and sweep Roxas out into the night, still so mad and terrified that I feel light-headed.

Mom's car is gone...she must have left it wherever she picked up that guy. The only car in the driveway must be his, but I'm not about to go back and hunt for the key. I just take off into the cold, carrying Roxas, silently cursing Mom and having no idea what I'm gonna do.

"What's happening?" Roxas whimpers.

"It's okay, Rox. I'll take care of you."

"Where's Mommy?"

"It's okay, Rox."

"I want Mommy!"

"Sssh, Roxas."

"Mommy! Mommy!"

I don't have anything to say, so I just keep walking. Roxas starts yelling and hitting me, then he cries, then finally he puts his arms around my neck and huddles silently in my arms. "I'm sorry, Rox," I whisper.

_"Axel...I'm _sorry_. What more do you want from me?"_

I bite my tongue to keep from screaming and break into a run, then slow back to a walk because it's so frickin' cold and Roxas is getting heavy. I know what Dad felt like now...when it's not your fault it's not your fault but this small person you adore who depends on you so much is looking at you with betrayed eyes and you know you've failed anyway even though it _wasn't your fault_... I want to tell him so bad. I want him _back_ so I can apologize, so that I can tell him what a worthless, stupid kid I was and how he was the best dad I could have ever had, and I wish I could start all over again and treat him right, but _he's gone_...

"Stop crying," Roxas sobs.

I want to, because it's making me colder than ever, but I can't stop. "I miss him...so much..."

I don't have a phone, because Mom can barely afford electricity half the time, and any money that might have gone toward cell phones is going toward TV instead. Yeah, can't live without TV, but now I'm stuck out here in the cold on Christmas Eve night with no car and my little brother freezing in my arms. "I need a phone..."

There's a pay phone by the gas station. Suddenly desperate, I search through my pockets and am relieved to find enough coins to place a call.

_"Hello, you've reached the Fair residence. I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now-"_

I slam the receiver back on the hook, my heart pounding. "Wait...what did I just-? IDIOT!" I hadn't even left a message. It hadn't occurred to me that no one might answer, but it was late, and - was I out of change?

Frantically, I search through my pockets again, and Roxas's, but...there's not enough. I don't...

I stand there shaking for a minute.

"Axel, I'm tired," Roxas says.

I take his hand and go into the store, where the guy on night duty looks up at me suspiciously. I swallow. "Hi...I was wondering if...I could borrow a quarter..."

"No solicitors, get out," he says brusquely.

It's almost a relief to get angry. "Dude, it's a _quarter_! I just need to make a phone call!"

"If you're not a customer, get out. Get _out_."

"Look!" I scoop up Roxas and hold him out, even though he's wriggling uncomfortably. "My brother is freezing out there! He's _three_! Let me make a frickin' phone call so I can get my uncle to-!"

"I'm callin' the police," he warns, picking up a phone behind the desk.

"Oi- Oi, let me just use _that_ phone, then, I won't-"

"Get out!"

I leave, shaking with anger, holding tight to Roxas and wondering if I should just let us get arrested or whatever. Being in jail would at least be warmer than this...but what would happen to Roxas...?

"Gaaaahh!" A quarter. A freaking _quarter_, that's all I needed. Or, like, five minutes on that guy's phone; if I didn't have a little kid with me, I'd go in there and mug him or something and _give_ him a freaking excuse to call the cops on me...

Roxas is tugging at my hand, bending down to mess with something on the ground. "Come on, Rox. We have to get out of here."

"Shiny."

"What?"

"Ew."

He has a quarter. A freaking quarter, stained almost black on one side, that someone had dropped on the ground-

I grab it out of his hand and smack a kiss against his head. "Rox, you're the awesomest brother ever. C'mon, we have to get out of here." I carry him away from the blinding lights of the gas station, hiding in the darkness off the side of the road when a cop car passes by, walk and walk until we get to a strip mall and it's so cold I feel dead on my feet but _I need a freaking pay phone_. "Just hang in there, Rox..."

"Ragh!" he shouts at me, tired and fussy.

I don't let the phone ring more than three times. No answer again, so I hang up, wait for my coins to drop back down, then stick them back in the slot and dial Uncle Terra's number.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Hang up. Retrieve coins. Insert. Dial...

_"Yo."_

"Uncle Reno... Don't hang up, _please_."

_"Who's-? What the, Axel?"_

"I need your help." Then I can't say anything else, because my throat's closed up.

_"Geez, _now_?"_

"P...Please," I manage.

"I wanna go _home_!" Roxas screams.

_"You have the kid with you?"_

"Reno...I seriously...I'm _so cold_..."

_"Ugh...okay, give me a sec, I think I've got your coordinates now. I'm sending Elena for you, okay? She's gonna cry and moan about having to baby-sit, and she might decide not to show up after all, but your timing kinda sucks, kid."_

"If she doesn't show up, we'll die."

After I hang up, I sit down by the phone and unzip my coat so I can wrap the edges around Roxas, and sing to him until he dozes off against my chest and it feels like the tears have frozen in my eyes.

We don't die. It's my turn to doze off once I've warmed up enough, and I think I sleep the whole way there. Then Elena's shoving me out of the car and driving off, and I carry Roxas up the front walk and ring the doorbell.

I'm leaning against the wall, wondering if we're gonna spend the night on the porch, by the time Uncle Terra in his bathrobe finally opens the door. He stares down at me, and I look up at him. Then without a word, he scoops Roxas up in one arm and wraps the other around my shoulders, practically lifting me over the threshold.

"Terra?" Aunt Ella's peering into the front hall, her eyes widening when she sees us. "Axel! What on earth...?"

"Sorry for intruding," I say dully. The Christmas lights on the tree look so beautiful, shining in the dark. I suddenly feel dirty and grimy, standing here in this clean, tidy house. "I just...didn't know where else to..."

"Oh, sweetheart..." She's already bustling up and helping me out of my coat, brushing my hair out of my face, trying to look into my eyes even though all the lights are out. "Are you hungry?"

"I just want to sleep," I whisper. "I can sleep in the living room-"

"Come along, dear. Let me just get something for you to change into, and you can get settled in the twins' old room."

"I'm sorry..."

She kisses me and squeezes my shoulders in a hug. "You are always welcome here, dear. Always."

o.o.o

Author's Notes: This is one of the REALLY old _Stepsiblings_ ideas I had, basically to go through all of AkuSaiRokuShi's Christmases. I was working on it at the same time as Xion's "Memories" installment, and it was SUPPOSED to be posted before "Hoof Prints." (Which was posted on 1 July 2012, over nine months ago. DX) I have no idea why this took so very much longer to post than "Memories" and "Hoof Prints." ;;

Ah, here's a note I found: "**Keep in mind that this was supposed to have been posted ASAP after "Siblings All The Way."** So, like, "Ferris Wheel" and stuff was trying to undo the damage of this one, but instead it looks like I was trying to redeem Kay a little only to backslide again... -.- And I'm mad that some of the Lea stuff didn't make it into public before later stories totally trashed her. *siiiigh*" Except she ended up getting trashed in the latter half of this one, anyway. XD *headdesk*

The Shakespeare quote was from "Sonnet I."

I ended up only getting through the Christmases before the wedding, and decided that the later Christmases were interesting enough to post individually. Also, this installment is a lot longer than I thought it would be, so I don't even have room to include the later Christmases, anyway. *sweatdrop* It's actually longer than my 10,000 word limit for one-shots, but it's 2:30 a.m. and I'm tired and don't care. orz

Man, I'd intended to spend today working on Urgent Thing which I've been procrastinating on so much in real life, and which is the main reason why I went on semi-hiatus. But instead of working, I spent the whole morning talking to my friends, and the whole afternoon just wasting time. ;; So I finally decided I wanted to accomplish _something_ today, and I ended up staying up 'til 3:00 in the morning finishing and posting this old Stepsibs story. orz


	5. Earning Chocolate: Van

_**Stepsiblings**_**, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic series by Raberba girl**

**Earning Chocolate (rough draft) [Version 2]**

_For Vanitas/Xion Day, 14 June 2013_

Summary: For Van, getting a Valentine from Xion is hard work. One-sided VanShi for Vanitas/Xion Day 2013.

A/N: GAH, I love Xion/Vanitas, so WHY can I never write them in a way that doesn't squick me out?! DX Ftr, his feelings for her are one-sided, and he does behave himself while she's still young, and they're related by adoption rather than blood, but I still didn't feel comfortable posting this outside the dark subseries. :/

Btw, Xion is seven at the beginning of the fic.

xXx

I didn't plan to go to my uncle's house on the 13th, it just kind of worked out that way because Gramps is making me drop something off for Xem. I don't mind because it means I'll get to see my girl. As soon as I walk inside, the smell of chocolate hits me and I WANT SOME because I somehow _know_ that Xion is the one making it. Sure enough, she's in the kitchen.

...With that idiot Axel. I can't _stand_ that guy - Xion thinks the sun shines out of his butt, so I hate him. I've seen the way she looks at him. Head over heels. She's stupidly loyal to that lapdog Saïx and she's practically joined at the hip with little freakspawn Roxas, but Axel is the one she really adores. She feels about Axel the way she should feel about _me_. If I could figure out how to get rid of him without her finding out and hating me, I would.

"Just a little more, Xi," Axel's saying. "See that goopy bit there, that's some egg that didn't get mixed in all the way."

"Oh, okay," she says, carefully hugging the mixing bowl in one arm as she runs the electric mixer through the brown concoction inside.

I'm standing right here. Pay attention to me. "Yo."

Xion glances up and smiles. I wish she'd look more ecstatic. She very carefully turns off the mixer and sets everything back on the counter, then runs to hug me. "Hi, Vani!"

"Hi." I kneel down to hug her tight. "What are you making?"

"It's a surprise," she says, with this adorable crafty little smile that makes me melt a little. "For tomorrow."

"He already knows what it is, Xi," Axel laughs, and I want to punch him for making her look dumb, even though she acts like she doesn't care.

"No, he doesn't!"

She's making Valentine's Day chocolate. "I'll let you surprise me," I tell her, and she smiles.

"You have to be good, okay, Vani? If you're not good, you won't get the surprise."

"I'll be good," I promise playfully, without even thinking. Whatever she wants me to do, I will do.

Of course, replaying the words in my mind, I realize that I'd basically promised that I'll be nice to all three of her horrible brothers, but whatever. If they can keep their stupidity to themselves, there won't be a problem.

"Yay! Do you want to help, Vani?"

"Yes," I say, at the exact same time Axel's like, "Xion! You're making him help with his own-?" He chuckles. "Never mind."

I glare hard at him, satisfied when he flinches a little. "You got a problem with that, Flamesilocks?" I challenge.

"Whatever Xion wants to do, I'm cool with it."

It bugs me. _I'm_ supposed to be the one giving her free rein so she'll be grateful.

"You can put the oil in the pan," Xion says, pushing the stuff toward me.

"Show me," I say, just for the excuse to have her talk to me some more.

I love being with Xion, it doesn't matter what we're doing. I love watching her move, hearing her voice, _sensing_ that joy of hers like it's filling the whole room. I don't know how anyone can be so happy all the time. _I'm_ not, that's for sure. I'm pretty much only happy when I'm with her.

"Vani," she asks, "do you like chocolate chips or nuts better?"

"Why do you ask?" I say playfully.

"Ummmm..."

"Chocolate chips," I answer, giving in quickly.

"Okay!" She dumps a lot of them into the batter. This thing is going to taste excellent.

After we put the cake pans into the oven, Axel makes us clean up and then Xion wants to play dress-up. I always let her choose what she wants to dress me in - this time it's a black cape and hat like Zorro. She dresses me in black a lot...says it goes with my hair. And black is one of her favorite colors, which is one thing we have in common, at least.

"Me and Axel robbed the bank," she announces. "We're making our getaway, whoooo!" She grabs his hand and starts dragging him away. "Get on the horse, Axel! Giddyap!"

"Right," he laughs.

It's kind of weird, not being the bad guy for once... I stalk them through the house, waiting for just the right moment when they, as bank robbers, decide they've gotten away with it and can let down their guard. Then I pounce. "A-_ha_!"

"Aahhh!" Xion shrieks gleefully.

"It is I, Zorro, and I will make you villains pay for your...bank robbing villainy!" I declare off the top of my head, squeezing Xion in my arms.

"No! Save me, Axel!" she cries, struggling playfully.

"Nope. It's off to jail with you, missy," I say, _'Or maybe back to my secret hideout where you can see me as my true self, not some masked vigilante...'_

"Hah!" Axel yells, whipping out a toy sword, "Unhand my accomplice, foul knave! Or I'll run you through! Wait, I'm a bad guy...I'll run you through anyway! Just for the fun of it! Mwahahahaha!"

Then we have to pretend to sword-fight, except I don't pretend as much as Xion probably expects me to, and Axel hits back just as hard.

"Stop!" Xion yells, and I suddenly realize she's been yelling it several times. "Too much hitting! You're dead now!"

"Which one of us?" Axel asks.

"Uh...I dunno."

I collapse. "Alas, fair temptress," I gasp, clutching my stomach as if fatally wounded, "I shall never see another sunset, but I will not bemoan my fate if I could have but one kiss from your sweet lips."

"Van," Axel says in disapproval. Screw him.

"If I kiss you, you won't die?" Xion says anxiously, falling to her hands and knees beside me.

I reach to slip my fingers into her hair and draw her head down near mine. The thought of kissing her lips does cross my mind, but I kiss her cheek instead, then her shoulder when she shifts.

"OKAY," Axel says loudly, "looks like Zorro's dead. Come on, Xion, let's escape before the real police come and arrest him."

"Zorro's dead..." She looks back at me reluctantly as Axel pulls her away.

The longer I have to put up with Axel, the more I can't stand him. The game changes, apparently we're ponies or mermaids or something, then we're pirates, and Axel and I get in a fight that we pretend is only make-believe, and I lose it and can't get control of myself before we're both bleeding and Xion's already screaming.

"I'm sorry...Xion, I'm sorry-" I try to say.

Does he think he owns her or something? He just sweeps her up away from me and speaks to her like a professional charmer, and somehow, within a few minutes, she's laughing as her tears dry, and kissing the bandages he let her put on his cuts, and I can't stand it.

"Why do you have to make a big deal out of it?" I growl at him, trying not to yell, not really knowing what I'm saying but just wanting to shove _vitriol_ straight at him. I can do it silently even though I can't do it out loud.

He winces away from my eyes but stands his ground with Xion behind him, as if I'd be weak enough to let the Speech even touch her. "_You're_ the one who can't tell the difference between a game and reality. And for the record, I _know_ how to fight back, I'm not some clueless softie who'll just let you beat on me."

"Vani," Xion says tightly, "you're not being nice."

I'm stupid and don't get what she meant until the next day, when she comes to give chocolate to Dad and Gramps and then just stands there and looks sadly at me.

I look back, refusing to ask, but...where's my Valentine?

"Maybe next year, Vani," she says sadly. And walks away.

What..._what_?! She- No! "Xion, wait."

She won't even look at me.

"Xion!"

"Is there a problem, Van?" Xem rumbles. His Speech makes it clear that I will regret bothering Xion, or even making him _suspect_ I might be bothering her.

"...No. I'm about to leave, so move your fat car, you're blocking me."

I don't care. I don't care. Who needs chocolate, anyway. I don't even _like_ chocolate. I only eat it because she gives it to me, and since she doesn't want to give it to me this time, that's fine, I don't CARE.

I go out and get drunk and sleep it off at some girl's apartment and wake up sober enough to go racing, which I do, and I'm exhausted and grungy and exhilarated when I finally come home at three in the morning with my pockets full of the cash I won.

There's something pink on my pillow.

A pack of bubble gum.

_"Poppet left it for you,"_ Dad's note says. Xion's little-girl handwriting at the bottom, _"I waited but you were gone a long time Vani so Daddy had to take me home. I wanted you to have it because I'm sorry I couldn't give you the chocolate. Be good next year okay? I love you."_

...She was here. She came back sometime while I was out, and she waited, but I was gone, and now she's the one who's gone.

I pick up her consolation gift as I sink to my knees. I rest my forehead against the edge of the bed and stuff my mouth full of gum, and chew on it until I can't taste sugar anymore and it's like chewing rubber.

I've forgiven her by the time I'm awake the next day. I go over to her house and we share the last two pieces of gum. She laughs when I blow bubbles and urges me on, and they get bigger and bigger until my lungs ache and I get tired of them popping in my face, but she thinks it's funny and as long as I can hear her laugh, I don't get mad. I don't need a Valentine. She's enough, just herself, that's all I need.

**One year later:**

I WILL NOT lose this time. First I try to just avoid the idiots altogether, then when Xion invites me over and I have to see their stupid faces anyway, I smile as hard as I can.

"Van, you're creeping me out," Axel says.

"You're a wonderful human being," I tell him, beaming, and he shivers and backs away from the _"I hate your guts"_ I'm simultaneously Speaking at him.

"Xion, why did you drag him all the way over here?" Saïx asked.

"You're my favorite cousin ever," _"Keep your mouth SHUT,"_ I say.

"Because it's Valentine's Day!" Xion answers brightly. "Vani said he'd get chocolate today."

"That's right." I ruffle her hair, and she giggles.

"I'm sorry, Vani. Destiny ruined all the chocolate we made yesterday, so we have to make it again..."

"Don't worry about it."

"What should we play while we wait for the timer to go off?"

All of us have a different suggestion.

"Nothing. I'm going to my room." (Saïx)

"_Night Howler_." (Axel)

"Soccer." (Roxas)

"Whatever you want." (Me)

"No, Sai-Sai, you can't go to your room until Valentine's is over!"

Xion picks soccer, so out we go, and I actually almost have fun, teamed with Xion and my idiot useless cousin, trying to get the ball past Axel and Roxas. I don't hold back, but Axel doesn't act like he minds how rough the game's getting, and Roxas gets bruised a bit but doesn't say a word. I expected him to be more of a baby about it...

We take a break and Roxas and I go in to get water at the same time, leaving the other three outside because they're arguing about something dumb. "I'm all scratched up," Roxas complains, craning to look beneath his arm, where it's raw from when he fell.

"Suck it up. You're not playing with your little baby friends this time."

"You have to be nice to me today."

Smug little punk. I slam the ice tray down and grab the front of his shirt in both fists. He sucks in a breath and his eyes get big, his little hands straining uselessly against mine, but he keeps quiet and doesn't yell for his brother like I thought he might.

"I just love you sooooo much," I coo at him through a tight smile. _"How'd you like your face to be slammed into a wall, brat?"_

"You...have...to be...nice to me," he manages to gasp out.

"I just wanna hug you and squeeze you and cuddle you to death." _"What're you gonna tell Xion? 'Waahh, Vani glared at me, boo hoo hoo!' Is that it?"_

"I'm not a baby!" he yells at me.

"You're _so_ cute." _"Then stop acting like one."_

"_You_ stop being a jerk. That's why Xion'll never like you for real, 'cause you're a bully and you're a _jerk_, and she knows it."

I've never wanted to crush someone so badly before. Well...I have, but whatever. I want to shift my grip and squeeze my fingers until he starts screaming. Instead, I force myself to let go and straighten up and Speak scornfully, _"Geez, I was just kidding. Can't take a joke..."_

It's so hard to lie in the Speech, I'm pretty sure he knows I'm B. . He doesn't call me out on it, though. Just pulls a chair over and climbs up on it so he can reach the counter, finishes pouring the water, gulps down his drink, then unexpectedly hands the other glass to me. I take it, but I don't move until he wipes his mouth and trots back outside. Then I slam the glass into the sink so hard it shatters. One of the shards shoots up across my hand and leaves a thin line of blood. I stare at it for a while and feel better.

The back door slides open. "Vani!" Xion yells. "Hurry up, we're gonna play again!"

"...Okay, Xi."

But she sees the blood on my hand and insists on pushing me back into the kitchen so she can tend to it. I like being fussed over by her. By _her_, no one else. It feels nice, I don't even mind that the stupid bandage is covering up the blood now, that vivid red which cleared my thoughts. Her hands on mine, it's even better...

"What happened here?" Saïx exclaims in disapproval, delicately starting to pick broken shards out of the sink. "Roxas, did you do this?"

"No!"

"I just dropped my glass," I mumble. "I was gonna clean it up..." I don't mind saying it, because Xion's still holding my hand.

"You _dropped_ it?" Axel says skeptically.

_'Shut up,'_ I think, feeling tired. _'Just shut up.'_

"Man, Van, it's really hard for you to be nice, isn't it," Roxas remarks. I think that's the first thing he's said or done all day that's made me feel like not hating him quite so much.

_"What part of 'shut up' do you not understand?"_ I Speak, so that only Roxas can see it.

I'm surprised when all he does is smile and say, "La la la la, I'm being loud."

The oven timer dings. As they're all fussing over the chocolate, I go pick the rest of the broken glass out of the sink and try hard to pretend I don't care about the stuff making the smell that's causing my stomach to growl. I forgot to eat breakfast again, didn't I...

As I'm turning away from the trash can, Xion bounces up to me, bearing a square of chocolate on a little plate. "Here's yours, Vani!"

"Huh?" As if I don't know.

"Your Valentine! Happy Valentine's Day, Vani!"

"Yeah, whatever." So this year I do get chocolate...

"Sit down!"

I sit, and she sets the plate in front of me. I try to tell her that I don't want it, that I don't care, but I can't make myself say the words, and then she's saying, "Hurry and try it, tell me if it's good!" and I have to give up because of _course_ I care. And of course her chocolate is delicious.

"It's really good, Xion."

"Really?!"

"Stop looking so surprised, you _know_ it's always good."

"I'm so happy you get to eat it this year." She kisses my cheek. "Thank you, Vani."

_'Thank you, Xion,'_ I think. _ "I love you,"_ I Speak. The only thing I say out loud is, "No problem, Xi."

xXx

Author's Notes: I love Xion/Vanitas so much, but I hate the way I write it. DX I just can't get it to work right...

Yes, Chi and Destiny and Bomb still exist in this universe, I just forget them all the time unless they're useful. *sweatdrop*

If Van sounds a little bit like Xigbar at times, that's because Xig is his dad in this universe. ;)

This fic was really hard to write. :/ A lot of it, especially the beginning, felt like pulling teeth, and Van kept squicking me out; I ended up cutting the first 800 words out of the posted version. I'd _wanted_ to get this posted on VanShi Day 2012, but I missed the deadline; then I missed Valentine's Day, too; and _finally_ was able to finish it just in time for VanShi Day 2013.


End file.
